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Behind the cheerful persona he brings to TiktoClock and Ang Dami Mong Alam Kuya Kim, Kim Atienza carries a quiet, enduring grief over the loss of his daughter, Emman.

GMA Network and select entertainment media were able to speak with Kuya Kim following the renewal of his contract with Sante Barley last Monday, April 13.

The TV host admitted that until now, he has still been mourning the loss of his youngest child.

“I'm grieving right now. It never goes away,” he said.

According to Kuya Kim, talking to people—especially those who need help—is his way of grieving.

“A lot of people think that grief is linear—that if you give it time, you will heal. No! You will never heal, especially after the death of a child. You will never heal.

“But what happens is… the grief is like this. This is my love for Emman. But it's love unrealized. How can I love her? She's gone. The heart has been there. You become bigger to accommodate the grief.

“Grief changes you. It can change you in a worse way. Or it can change you for a better way. If I turn worse and I turn bitter, then my Emman becomes an ambassador of evil.

“But if I'm a little kind and I'm better, what happens to Emman… that makes my Emman an ambassador of good.”

He added, “They always say that grief comes in waves. It does. It's not linear. The wave will come if you remember someone. And you don't have a choice. You just have to move on.”

When asked how he takes care of his mental health, he answered:

“A lot of things. My physical activity is important. If I'm grumpy, I grieve. My grief is bad. So, I take care of my seven hours of sleep a night.

“If I don't get to work out, I grieve. But when I do work out, my endorphins are high, and I don't grieve as much. That's one.

“But the more practical way that I'm dealing with grief is I face it head-on.

"I was given advice by a co-parent who also lost a child. He said, 'A grieving person is full of wounds. You have two choices. You bandage it up, it takes longer to heal. Or you expose it, you remove the bandage. Expose it.'

“That's why I talk about this like this, so I can get used to it. At the same time, people can be affected in a positive way.”

He also shared that his family grieves differently.

“My wife is an intellectual,” Kuya Kim said.

“She finished her second master's degree at Harvard. She did her master's degree at Tufts. Now she's graduating from Harvard.

“She grieves intellectually. That's how she deals with it. She studies. And I know this—she wakes up early in the morning. She has a little ash beside her study desk.

“I'm sure she grieves, but she wants to be alone. I want to grieve with people. I'm grieving now. I like to express.

“I tried expressing to Fely one time because that's how I am. She got upset with me. She said, “Don't do that. It does affect what I do.” That's when I realized she's different. She grieves differently.

“My kids are like Fely. My boy, Jose, is a sportsman. He even improved after losing someone. Eliana is like her mom. My daughter, who's an activist… she's graduating from [University of Pennsylvania] this coming May. Intellectually, she's like her mom.”

“The one I'm most similar to is Emman—slightly crazy, funny, a bit deep yet shallow… That's Emman.”

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New found mission

Recently, Kuya Kim went viral for inviting a youth who seemed to be going through something to the set of TiktoClock. He also drew attention for responding to a netizen who needed urgent psychiatric care.

According to him, since Emman's passing, many people have been messaging him for this kind of help.

“I guess they see me as a safe space,” he said.

“There's a need for someone safe to express, and they probably see that in me. It's an honor. But it's also a big responsibility. Because… Oh, now I see the need. Wow. Just here at this table, maybe one or two people here are going through something.”

To better respond to them, Kuya Kim will be taking a course related to this.

“I'm taking a course next week. I met a psychology professor. I need to know what to say and how to deal with them. There are scientific protocols. There is first aid for mental health.

“I'm learning. I think the Lord put this in my path, so it's my responsibility to learn.”

Related gallery: Celebrities who are advocates of mental health