A Christmas letter to someone I love

It's exactly two days before Christmas yet somehow the parties, the grand display of lights, even the festive mood have not felt like Christmas to me.

I miss you, my mother. Christmas for me hasn't been the same since you left.

These holidays, whenever I see a family that paints a happy picture, I think about you and the years you were still alive.

For nine consecutive mornings leading to Christmas you would always bring me along for Simbang Gabi. I used to hate it when you would wake me up from a deep slumber in the wee hours of the morning just to hear Mass.

Now, I always wonder what it could have been like to attend Christmas Mass with you and your granddaughter.

Almost always you would doze off during the priest's sermon. I look back on those times now and I realize how much I miss looking at your face. You had the cutest nose that didn't quite match your stern look, yet you were the kindest person to us, your children.

You were not the kind who would shower us with expensive gifts but your Christmas presents were the ones I always looked forward to. You were not a doting mom as work consumed most of your waking hours. You didn't even know I hated the color pink and that I like Kuya's G.I. Joes, but somehow year after year on Christmas Day, your gift would be that one thing I have always wanted all year long. How I love the stationery you gave me!

I remember the day I found out that Santa Claus was you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I pretended I didn't know it was you who put those candies in the socks we hung by the window. You died knowing I believed in Santa Claus and that's how I want it to be. Your secret is safe with me.

Back then we would have spaghetti, barbecue, and cake. Sometimes we'd have ice cream, but almost always no ham. It was unnecessary for someone as frugal as you. I guess we never really had a grand celebration, but we were happy.

Today I can fill the table with the best ham and cheese and wine if you please, but then I see the seat across the table with you nowhere in sight.

Somehow we forgot what celebrations were like when you started missing Dad too much. Or perhaps because we lost so much money to a heartless scoundrel we started scrimping on things that matter most, like spending the holidays together away from town or having a lavish meal even just for Noche Buena.

Food on the dining table on Christmas Eve became sparse until there was no more. The gifts under the Christmas tree were gone.

You started losing touch with time, with people, with us your children until you were complete devoid of memories. Alzheimer's took over you and it took you away from us. Christmas and New Year meant nothing more than just any usual day. Celebrations, no matter how grand, will no longer be remembered by you.

Save for a few old photos, we had little left now to remind us of what Christmases and New Year's were like for us.

Funny too how we never had a family picture under a Christmas tree. It had always been my secret wish from Santa. I never had my wish. Maybe I had more often that not been naughty than nice.

In these times of merry-making, in this Season of love and giving, I guess I just want you to know from heaven how much you are missed here on earth.

To those who have lost a special someone and don't know how to spend it without your dearly departed, it's been years since I lost my mom. I still don't know how I manage to survive the holidays without her but I learned to live through the pain and so will you.

To those families spending the holidays together, I wish that you will get to spend the best of times around each other. Take as many photos as you can and please, don't ever forget that family picture by the Christmas tree.

Mama, I still wish for that one family picture under a Christmas tree. I know that day will never come but on Christmas Eve I'll close my eyes and think about you, and I'll feel you are a little closer than farther.

I love you, Ma. I wish I told you. Merry Christmas!

Bernadette Reyes is a field reporter and news anchor at GMA Network Inc.