Filipino nurse in the UK reveals how COVID-19 fight affected his mental well-being

An overseas Filipino worker (OFW) working as a nurse in the United Kingdom admitted to almost losing the will to live, as he was fighting COVID-19.

Billy Bruno and his wife Elizabeth have established quite a life in the UK, where their three kids were born. They live be with his aunt and uncle, both senior citizens.

A nurse for almost 30 years, Billy treated a COVID-19 patient in March. Shortly after, he started to feel inexplicably tired.

"Some were thinking na siguro pagod lang ako, ganiyan, na-over exposed ako sa chemical, and on 25th, nagsususpetya na ako," he narrated.

He was always tired, and he felt these strange body aches. In the next few days, Billy started to feel worse. His hospital manager advised him to self-isolate at home.

He picked the top floor of their home to quarantine -- and then his real battle began. Billy detailed the excruciating pain he felt while he was fighting off COVID-19.

"Nag-start siya sa back ko. Then later on, hanggang sagad na hanggang buto ang sakit ng katawan ko," he narrated. He couldn't lift his feet, he had a hard time with tasks as simple as removing his socks or taking off his shirt. 

Billy admitted to almost losing the will to live, even going as far as wanting to jump off the window to end his life.

"I was really down, a bit depressed. I want to finish my suffering so gusto kong tumalon," he said of his darkest days.

"Masyadong masakit na 'yung katawan ko. Ayokong pabigat sa pamilya ko. Tapos andoon ako sa third floor, sabi ko nakabukas 'yung bintana, tatalon ako sa bintana para tapos na ang lahat. Kasi hindi ko kaya, e," he said.

"I want to end this thing, kaya I don't want to infect them," Billy said.

"Hindi na ako nakakain, siguro ilang days akong hindi nakakain," he continued, adding he must've lost 50 kg or about 100lbs. throughout his sickness.

Barely able to move and barely able to eat, Billy was brought to the hospital on April 4 and on the following day, Billy's COVID-19 test results came back positive.

"Feel ko 'yung mamamatay na ako," he narrated, saying it was really the pain that was doing him in."'Yung pain ko is from top to bottom. Hindi na ako makagalaw."

As though that wasn't enough, Billy's wife, his uncle and aunt all tested positive with the disease. And as all the adults in the household were battling it against COVID-19 in the hospital, two of his three children also experienced COVID-19 symptoms.

"Sabi ko, 'Bakit ganito? Sino ang maglo-look after sa kanila? Andito kaming lahat sa hospital.' Kaya 'yun ang masakit sa loob ko. Anong mangyayari sa kanila? E, kung mamamatay ako, mamamatay misis ko? Kung mamamatay kaming apat, sino mapag-iiwanan sa mga anak ko?"

Following his fear and sadness, Billy started to have hallucinations.

"Nandoon ako sa isolation room, as far as I know, nag-iisa ako doon. Nagising ako one time, mga three o' clock in the morning, 'yung isang lalaki sa kaliwa ko nakaupo lang siya, nakatingin towards the toilet," he narrated.

"Tapos 'yung nasa right side ko, bumubulong sa akin, sabi niya 'Billy, alam mong pinag-eeksperementuhan ka nila rito.' Tapos 'kung gusto mo makalaya, tingnan mo 'yung bintana, open 'yung bintana, lumabas ka, umakyat ka sa bubong'."

"Sabi niya sa akin, 'You will set free ‘pag umakyat ka ng bubong.'

According to Billy, he almost believed the person from his hallucinations.

"Pumikit ako sandali sabi ko, 'nag-iisa ako rito, nasa hospital ako. Nag-iisa ako rito sa kuwarto. Bakit may mga tao?'" he said.

"Binuksan ko uli mga mata ko, 'yun nga nag-ha-hallucinate na ako. Andoon na lagi 'yung thought na suicide ganoon kasi ito ‘yung hype ng pandemic, e. The only solution was that time is, parang ang nasa isip ko is death, 'yun na," he narrated.

According to a psychiatrist, Dr. Randy Dellosa from Life Change Recovery Center, this happens due to the changes brought by COVID-19.

"Maraming pagbabago ang naidulot ng COVID-19 e, ‘yung loss of freedom natin, so tayo’y nagka-quarantine. ‘Yung loss of control or certainty, so hindi natin alam yung mangyayari ngayon or next year or in the next years," he said.

"Dahil dito, siyempre naguguluhan ‘yung pag-iisip natin. In fact ang sabi nga nila, kasabay raw ng pandemyang coronavirus e pandemya rin sa mga mental health issues and ito nga yung nangyayari ngayon," he added. 

Dellosa noted that people who start to experience major depression will start to have hallucinations.

"For example meron na siyang mga nakikita o naririnig na wala naman roon, ang ibig sabihin po nito ay affected na po ‘yung brain chemicals," he explained.

"Meron po tayong chemicals sa brain, mga neuro transmitters na kung hindi na po siya balanse dahil masyadong nabulabog yung emotions natin o ‘yung pag-iisip natin e lumalabas nap o ‘yung mga guni-guni," he added.

It's almost the same with what Kapuso journalist and COVID-19 survivor Howie Severino experienced. In his documentary, and first-person essay published on GMA News Online, Severino described COVID-19 as one of the loneliest diseases in the world.

"Marami na kaming lumalaban, ngunit ang totoo, mag-isa mo itong haharapin," Severino said.

In his journey, Howie admitted to being unable to sleep and having visions of death. 

"Ibang klase 'yung epekto sayo ng sleep deprivation. Halos mag-ha-hallucinate ka na, kasi gustong gusto mong matulog pero hindi ka pinapatulog," Severino shared then.

"Nagkaroon ako ng vision ng kamatayan, akala ko mamamatay na ako," he added.

The journalist was guided back by his wife, who helped him meditate.

Like Severino, Billy had his family, friends, and co-workers, who provided him support while he was going through one of the toughest times of his life.

Dellosa said for Filipinos social connectedness is important when a person is going through difficult times.

"Kailangan ‘pag meron tayong nararamdaman na mabigat, pag meron tayong inaalala, eh dapat i-share natin sa ibang tao dahil importante na may hingahan tayo. Ilalabas natin ‘yung mga worries natin sa ibang tao," Dellosa said.

Because Billy's wife, aunt, and uncle only had mild COVID-19 cases, they were discharged and sent home after a few days.

After nine days in the hospital, Billy was also allowed to go home, even though he had not yet tested negative from COVID-19.

On June 19, Billy underwent a COVID-19 check up.

"I had chest X-Ray, blood test, ECG, lung function test.It wasn’t easy, mahirap pero it’s worth it. I’m hoping everything’s gonna be okay for me and my family.

Billy said he was also asked if he wanted to be part of the research, "I said yes and I’m always thinking positively."

On June 30, Billy's results of Billy's swab test came back negative.

"Happy kasi naging complete na ulit kami at lahat kami naka-survive that’s the thing no yung, alam mo yun?" Elizabeth said.

"‘Yung unos na bagyo na dumating sa buhay namin na masasabi nating hindi naman curse no? ‘Yung talagang sinubukan tayo  ng Panginoon kung makakaya natin lahat, nakayanan naman namin," she added.

If there's anything Billy learned from what he went through battling COVID-19, he said it is making the most out of your life with the people you love.

"Make the most of it, 'yung spend quality time with family kasi hindi mo alam kung kailan ka mamamatay. This a borrowed time, this is a borrowed life. Show kindness to people all the time."

"There's a way," Billy said. "Believe in God. Belive in Jesus, my Savior," he added. — Jannielyn Ann Bigtas/LA, GMA News

The Philippine Suicide Hotline is 896-9191 or 0917-854- 9191.