Ellen Adarna goes into detail about how she overcame depression
In 2020, actress Ellen Adarna took to Instagram to talk to her followers about the mental health program she signed up for in Bali, Indonesia.
Her training, which involved mental exercises and physical exercises, had been the talk of the town after the actress said she is free from the prisons of her own mind.
Now, the 32-year-old goes into detail on how she battled her demons in a series of videos uploaded on her Instagram account.
Ellen said that before signing up for the Kokoro program, she was in a terrible place, dealing with her father's death and experiencing postpartum depression after giving birth to her son Elias Modesto.
“Before the Kokoro program, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder,” she confessed.
“The reason why these things happened to me was because of the death of my father, I had [a series of] unhealthy relationships, and I just had given birth at the time. And all these things happened together all at one time -- it was really a recipe for the worse.”
Ellen also cited that she had lost the identity she knew she once had.
“Emotionally, I didn't know who I was anymore,” she said.
“Having lost an anchor in the family and with all the changes that came with motherhood, I lost myself. I lost my identity. I didn't know who I was; I was confused.
“I lost the confidence and the trust I had in myself when I was younger. I considered myself a very strong person, and those things I lost -- I was back to zero.”
Regarding her health, the mother-of-one explained that while she was at the peak of physical health, she would puke from time to time due to panic attacks.
“I didn't experience getting sick. I was okay, but I would just be puking out of the blue, uncontrollably, and I'd have panic attacks, not knowing what was going on with me and what was going on with my body.
“I would just be shaking, and that was my first time to experience those.”
She also mentioned that she would be in a depressive state despite loving her son.
She'd ask herself, “Is this what motherhood is? I'm always tired, I'm sad, and I'm always grieving.”
Coming to terms with what she's feeling and how she's doing emotionally and mentally, Ellen went to the doctors to get treated. She would hire a therapist and a psychiatrist and soon take medications to help her cope with her issues.
However, the actress noted, “I was not sad, but not also happy. I was like a robot, and the pills were just a mask to hide the problems. It was like a layer to filter the problem.”
She then heard of the Kokoro program from a friend who had experienced the same situation that she was in.
Having nothing to lose, Ellen immediately signed up for the 14-day program that would eventually whisk her away to Bali, Indonesia, where she'd undergo rigorous mental training that would challenge not only her mind but also her body.
In another video, the actress explained her daily routine throughout the program and said that her favorite part of the day was when she and her Zen teacher would discuss the purpose of each exercise she did for the day.
“They would explain to you the purpose of the exercise was. You get what's happening. The discussions theories, it was like going back to school.” she said.
“This is where most of my learning took place. Through the talking. It was like therapy and life lessons.”
By the fourth day, Ellen said she started getting better and finding confidence within herself.
“My takeaway from those, to deal with it, manage it, and to let it pass. You do things that are good for your body -- you feed your body, and you feed your mind.”
“What happened in two weeks, thinking about it now, it felt impossible. Like how much transformation in two weeks because it's such a short amount of time, right?”
She explained, “But because we had to change our habits, our ways… my mindset changed, I suddenly had rituals, I was more aware of things around me. My life changed, how I viewed things changed.
“I noticed with me before I was always angry and always aggressive… But now, I think I am better, and I am aware of catching it, so I had better relationships with people. I'm not as temperamental. With my depression and anxiety, it's basically gone, and it's like it never happened.
“I feel good, and I feel great. I don't think that I will ever fall back into the state where I was in because I was given two weeks to train and work on those emotions and feelings,” she concluded.
In March 2020, Ellen Adarna took the Kokoro Program that was held in Pondok Taksu Bali, run by the Mudiadnya family, headed by Pk. Jero Wayan, a monk, and Ni Ketut Seni, a Balinese priestess.
Following her two-week program, Ellen got a certificate of achievement from Kokoro Team Bali.
Meanwhile, here are other celebrities who opened up about their mental health struggles: