Movie review: Big bear problems in 'Ted'

Let me warn you right now that "Ted" is not a comedy film. Oh, sure there are laughs aplenty and there’s no shortage of crassness, misanthropy and abusive material to offend everyone and their grandmother, but it’s not a punch line-oriented movie in that characters expect you to laugh at gags at every turn.    That said, it’s not trying to be a Baron Cohen rip-off either. Rather, it’s a straightforward way to convey a stock-in-trade story with a few unique twists. So, unless you want them to learn great new words to cuss by, no, you can’t bring your kids to this R-rated flick. For Seth MacFarlane’s live-action directorial debut, the premise is simple: what if your favorite toy suddenly came alive and grew up into adulthood like you? Would you keep him with you forever, or throw him out to fend for himself?   This is exactly what happens when, in 1985, a lonely, bullied, suburban Boston kid named John Bennett receives a plush brown teddy bear for his Christmas gift. Narrated in the unmistakeable voice of Patrick Stewart, John proceeds to wish on a falling star for said bear to come to life. Wouldn’t you know it? In the morning Ted gets up, starts talking, and is revealed to the world. What happens to a walking, talking teddy bear in America? He swiftly becomes a celebrity and does the talk show circuit. Hooray for “The Late Show.”    Fast forward to 2012 and John is now all grown up and played to stoner (albeit still buff) perfection by Mark Wahlberg. Meantime, Ted (voiced and motion-captured by Seth MacFarlane) is a washed-up has-been celeb mooching off his best friend, drinking beer and smoking pot at 9 a.m. To all appearances, they’re both enjoying a hedonistic life, even if John’s girlfriend, Lori Collins (Mila Kunis), is finding it increasingly harder to be living with her 35-year-old man and his teddy bear four years on. Soon, Lori urges John to get rid of Ted, and their problems get more tangled as John is unable to fully let go of his plush best friend. The typical “girl wants guy to grow up” plot is a great, time-honored springboard for the de-familiarized tale of this weird, third wheel baggage tale. Lori literally has bear problems with her boyfriend. I mean, no girl would want to compete with a childhood keepsake. See, if you’ve never had a cuddly toy you fixated on and considered your best friend then you’ll likely see John as a pathetic, insecure mess. And you’d be right. Ted is a symbol of everything that this man was as a little boy and in many ways still is. He just can’t let go of what Ted represents (a swift rescue from the terrors of thunder, snuggly comfort from pain, instant security blanket, etc.) and it’s something we can all sympathize with. This is also exactly why Ted needs to move out: to give both Ted and John a chance to grow on their own terms. Good thing that the bear quickly lands on his feet. He gets a job at a local grocery as a check out guy, and even starts dating a co-employee with the amazingly down-home name of Tammie-Lyn. Having said that, if you try not to think of this movie as a veiled commentary or elbow in the ribs of how your typical 21st century American male has been stuck at age 10, you’ll enjoy this R-rated romp into modern magic realism a la MacFarlane. Yes, this is Christopher Robin and Pooh Bear in an alternate universe, if their life had been filled with inventive curses, nudity, drugs, alcohol, and prostitutes taking dumps on floors. The centerpiece is still the half-CGI, half-motion captured character of Ted. Oh, you iniquitous, boob-grabbing, veggie-as-sex-toy-using bear! The screenwriting is as tight as a drum and does a great job of keeping us from questioning the more mundane aspects of having a beer-drinking, bong-hitting, redneck-fornicating, teddy bear come to life. For example: since he technically lacks a set of lungs, why doesn’t Ted’s cotton insides burst into flames every time he smokes weed? Not to mention how does he satisfy his lustful ways when he’s not equipped with man-parts? The intense, extended brawl at a hotel room, when John and Ted have a final falling out, has got to be one of the most brutal, entertaining scenes of Man versus Bear I’ve seen that’s not on Animal Planet.   MacFarlane himself channels a world-weary, gruff version of his animated sitcom character Peter Griffin, from “Family Guy,” to bring Ted to life. He’s daubed the bear with touches of irrational outrage and contempt that a faded celebrity has in spades, never mind one that’s a plush toy.   There are great supporting roles here; Giovanni Ribisi as the Ted-obsessed stalker is aptly creepy and slimy, while Joel McHale does the sleazy, sex-crazed boss who pounces on the opportunity to date Lori post-break-up to crispy chinos perfection. Also watch out for a cameo by Norah Jones and the shocking revelation of how she and Ted know each other.    For my money though, some of the best scenes include Sam Jones as himself; doing cocaine, punching through walls, downing lots and lots of shots. “Flash Gordon” in classic, '80s-style debauchery. MacFarlane raises the stakes of comedy with each scene, even as John’s life proceeds on a downward spiral, unable to resist the lure of a boy’s playtime spree. Kunis and Wahlberg actually have decent chemistry on-screen. They’re both fit and well put-together individuals who excel at not only making us believe they’re an old couple who are great friends, but also really enjoy each other’s physical proximity. While Kunis’s role is almost staunchly two-dimensional as the irate girlfriend, she acquits herself as a girl who can enjoy a night of TV binge and beer with Ted and John, burping happily along and playing stupid word games. As a coming of age story (albeit extremely delayed) you need to go into this one with an open mind and mild expectations. It’s not trying to impress you with its wit or fuzziness, but it doesn’t hurt that Ted possesses both—even if the former is as prickly as an ursine rudely awakened from hibernation.   “Ted” opens October 3 in Metro Manila and is rated R-18 without cuts. — BM, GMA News All photos courtesy of Universal Pictures/Solar Entertainment