Movie review: Boom! Boom! Pow! The Expendables are back

“The Expendables 3” opens with the type of bullet-riddled, explosion-laden, high-velocity intro that has become the series’ trademark. But then, what else you expect from a movie packed to the gills with the biggest action stars of the last thirty years? The initial mission is to liberate the ludicrously-named Doctor Death (Wesley Snipes) from prison in an unnamed country. When one of our heroes asks the good Doctor what he was incarcerated for, he replies, deadpan, “Tax evasion.”

Seeing as the last entry had Chuck Norris telling a Chuck Norris joke, the reference to Snipes’ real-life imprisonment (for tax evasion, natch) is keeping well within the parameters of a series which exists in defiance of all logic and/or subtlety.

Indeed, “The Expendables 3” proudly displays its tongue-in-cheek colors on its sleeve and, by now, you’re either in on the joke or you aren’t.

Returning as the manliest group of mercenaries ever assembled for film are Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, and Terry Crews. Added to the lineup here are Harrison Ford, Kelsey Grammer, Antonio Banderas, and the aforementioned Snipes. Arnold Schwarzenegger also returns as our heroes’ favorite rival, Trench Mauser. To say the main cast is top-heavy would be an understatement (they even got “License to Kill’s” Robert Davi to put in an appearance!), making Bruce Willis’ decision to excuse himself from this installment an omission that is barely felt.

As it turns out, the Expendables need Doctor Death’s help to take out an arms dealer. Unbeknownst to the team, the dealer in question is one Conrad Stonebanks, a former Expendable played with maniacal malevolence by Mel Gibson (seen here having more onscreen fun than the scandal-ridden actor’s had in years). When the mission results in our heroes’ being soundly beaten within an inch of their lives, it is up to guilt-ridden team leader Barney Ross (Stallone) to recruit a new group to take down Stonebanks.

While the originals were cast for name recognition and the gleeful absurdity of having so many “vintage” stars in one flick, the replacement Expendables seem to have been chosen for the purpose of getting younger people into the theater, as was the case with Liam Hemsworth last time around.

Sadly, this is where the flick’s pacing goes off the rails, as the montage introducing us to Kellan Lutz, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, and UFC badass Ronda Rousey just slows everything down. Part of the problem is that the charm of the old team was our familiarity with the big screen personas of the stars portraying them, which allowed us to overlook the anemic nature of the plot they were playing around in.

In the case of the young ’uns, however, they don’t have the prepackaged history of their older costars, and the story (conceived by Stallone) does little to make them stand out.

Fortunately, the film kicks into high gear in the third act when it finally lets loose and allows its senior cast do what the majority of the audience paid to see them do in the first place: blow stuff up and spout preposterous one-liners. While everyone from the first two films is in action hero mode, it is Antonio Banderas’ attention-starved Galgo who steals the show here, handling witticisms and firearms with natural charm.

The film’s PG rating (as opposed to the R of its predecessors) means a reduction in the amount of plasma flowing across the frame at any given time, but it doesn’t mean the mayhem being depicted is any less over-the-top than what we’ve seen before. We may not see every bullet hit or knife strike this time around, but the manner in which they are delivered is still massively entertaining.

With cinemas these days overflowing with computer-generated schlock, contrived “event” pictures and remakes, “The Expendables” series remains a lovingly irreverent throwback to a bygone age of action filmmaking, firmly anchored by some of the some of the most recognizable names from the era.

On that front, unimpressive new faces notwithstanding, “The Expendables 3” does exactly what it promises and, in an age of overhyped blockbusters that fail to deliver, this shot of no-frills nostalgia is just what the doctor ordered.

I wonder what Steven Seagal is up to these days? — BM, GMA News

"The Expendables 3" is now showing.

Mikhail Lecaros is a professional magazine editor and freelance writer. The views expressed in this article are solely his own.