FIRSTS: Janine Gutierrez and the first encouragement of my art

Seven years ago, I dreamed of becoming an interior designer or a student of fine arts at any of the prestigious universities in Manila (I guess it’s everybody’s dream). It was a bit ambitious, but who cared. As they say, “Libre mangarap.”

I told mom about it and she gave me no particular answer. It was a battle of sweat for my loving parents to send us to college, especially since there were six of us going to school every day. So as time went on, my dream of becoming an interior designer or a fine arts student slowly faded away, along with melted hopes of ever getting into art.

I chose a course far from my untold dreams (I never told them I wanted to be a designer until I was in the second year). And yes, there came the toga and the diploma. My way out to forget my heartache? Writing. I joined the student publication and, somehow, I got into the arts.

I searched within myself for a long time, stayed at home for ten months after school and contemplated things a lot.

My frustrations became like a ghost I never wanted to see and remember again. I had been seeing and mingling with artists and realized that I could never be an artist. A stick man will not make you an artist, nor would the drawings I used to draw way back then. The basic coloring I did would not suffice. Indeed, I realized that what had been frustrating me will always be a frustration to me. I moved on, yet the fear continued.

But after ten months of being unproductive due to this soul-searching segment in my life, something positive happened. The open lines—the social media I never used before—became the gateway for me to get rid of the dreams-turned-frustrations. The door once again opened. It renewed the old me.

Due to the televesion dramas I’ve been quite attached to, I started following the social media accounts of different showbiz personalities: Julie Anne San Jose, Bianca Umali, Barbie Forteza, Marian Rivera and many more.

One hot afternoon, in the midst of silence and daydreaming, I saw a lone ordinary pencil, handled it, and looked over the faces in my phone's screenshot folder. I saw Janine Gutierrez and tried sketching her face.

Sketching might be one of the hardest forms of art. And it took guts for me to try it. All I had in my mind right at that moment were the words, “Hindi ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan.” I tried.

Above is Janine, a not-so-perfect illustration of her—the shadows are not enough. Not bad for a first-timer like me, perhaps. It took a couple of hours to finish, but I wouldn't have minded if it had taken me a week or a month.

It’s the first image I did with my two hands and an insufficient brain. But what makes this "first" the sweetest? I sent it to Janine through Instagram and yes! She replied! What more could I ask for? An acknowledgement from a prestigious person for the very first masterpiece of my dreams-turned-frustrations is the sweetest and most heart-felt thing I could have. It was my first time to have a short convo with an actress. "You’re talented," she said, and it melts my heart, really.

As I finished this first obra, I realized that it takes an experience like this to know where you really stand in this life. Frustrations will remain frustrations if you will not try breaking them. It takes guts and a process. It might take long, but don't get bothered and tired. Everything will happen at the right place and the right time.

Nyssa Mae T. Banquiles, 21, is a writer, guitarist, composer, poet and licensed teacher. She is fond of imagining and daydreaming, and is a self-described bookworm. Social media "is life," she adds, "the very heart of my dramatic side."

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