‘I DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU’ When we teach our children that love hurts

Imagine a young child — a girl, in this scenario — locked up in a small, dark room. Maybe she’s crying and begging for someone to please, open the door. She’s sorry. You can hear her from the outside first, and then after a while, silence.

You learn that this girl is locked inside the room because she’s being punished for disobeying her parents — in this case, her father — and you’ve been told not to open the door under any circumstances. The girl has been quiet inside the room for hours.

At dinnertime, the girl’s father — your husband — specifically instructs you not to give her food or let her out until morning. He saw her playing with the kids in the neighborhood and engaging in unladylike behavior. He had warned her before that she’s not allowed to play with them.

In the morning, after he leaves, you let the girl out and she joins you and her older brother for breakfast. You tell her: “Your father only does these things because he loves you.” You were told the same thing. You keep telling yourself the same thing.

Every harsh word said is said out of love. A slap on the face is an act of love. You must understand him. You’re convinced that love hurts and if it doesn’t, then it isn’t true.

The girl believes this and she applies it to her relationships later in life. Her brother, meanwhile, grows up believing that to love someone means to dominate them and to yell or hit them is a form of affection.

Mary Joan Guan, the executive director at the Center for Women’s Resources (CWR), identifies this as the start of the cycle of abuse. When Beyoncé quoted acclaimed Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, this is what she meant.

We do teach girls to shrink and make themselves smaller. Young girls learn that when their partner hits them, it is because they did something wrong. There are rules for women and breaking them merits violence, in all forms.

The first person to accuse the victim of being at fault is the victim herself.

“Ang kababaihan, iisipin muna o magrereflect muna na 'ako ba ang may kasalanan?', 'ako ba ay malisyosa?'... kaya minsan may mga kalokohang tanong na 'bakit ngayon ka lang nag-report?'” Guan told GMA News Online. “Ang isang babae na nakaranas ng pang-aabuso, sexual man 'yan o pisikal, ang natural tendency ay ipoproseso muna sa sarili niya. Tatanungin kung 'bakit ako'...so parang nag-iisa.”

Removing this sense of isolation is one of the first steps CWR employs to help eliminate violence against women. “We also use statistics so that they will realize na hindi sila nag-iisa. Isa siyang prevalent na nangyayari sa kababaihan sa lipunan at ipinapaunawa natin na na-imbibe 'yon sa pagtuturo sa lipunan kung paano titingnan ang kababaihan.”

Data shared by the Philippine National Police - Women and Children Protection Center with the Philippine Commission on Women revealed that from January to June 2017, 15,749 cases of physical, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse were reported.

This excludes the 1,034 reported cases of rape and 1,109 cases of acts of lasciviousness.

*Elizabeth shared with GMA News Online that she found the courage to talk about her experience with abuse only after realizing that she wasn’t the only one. “I think if it happens to someone you know and you realize you're not alone, that's when you get the courage to speak up about it,” she said.

Elizabeth was in an abusive relationship for five years and she had trouble admitting to herself that she was a victim.

She prided herself in being smart and felt like it was "unthinkable" that someone like her would be in that situation. She lived with the abuse for five years, fearing that people wouldn't believe her or think she was overreacting. “There was a ‘friend’ who even told me I had a victim mentality and I felt that he thought I was making it up,” she said.

Jovita Mataro Montes, Deputy Secretary General for External Affairs and Gabriela’s resident psychologist in a separate interview with GMA News Online that neither the victim nor the person perpetuating the abuse have a standard profile.

The marginalized are victims, middle class women who are college educated are victims, and women with affluent background are victims. When the violence is gender-based, even men who exhibit feminine traits become victims. Boys who are perceived soft are “toughened up” through violence.

The perpetrators of violence could be anyone, male or female. It could be a drunkard; it could be someone high up the political ladder. It could be someone who we initially perceives as kind.

Guan shared the story of a woman, Mary*, who married her high school sweetheart and would later confess that he had pushed her down a flight of stairs while she was pregnant, among other things.

When they began dating in high school, Mary didn’t think much of her boyfriend managing her schedule. It didn’t strike her as odd that he would only “allow” her to meet with her friends on a specific time or date and didn’t find reason to worry even when he began dictating what kind of gifts she could give to her family.

Mary eventually married this man and during their second year as husband and wife, he slapped her. “N'ong una sampal lang, pero n'ong sumunod na hinuhulog siya sa hagdanan kahit buntis siya, tinututukan ng baril," Guan said.

Mary would later on find out that her teenage son’s girlfriend had broken up with him for hitting her during a fight. Her son had picked up the habit unconsciously, even though he knew that what his father was doing is wrong.

One of the first signs of abuse is in being controlling or what some might refer to as "possessive." The simplest example would be your partner dictating what you wear or preventing you from behaving a certain way or doing a certain activity.

"'Yong kababaihan minsan ang akala nila, the controlling attitude of her partner is a sign of love. Sa una pa lang kinikilig sila," Guan said.

Outside of the home, young girls and women are also taught by an entire industry to feel comfortable with what should be a red flag. A study by Julia R. Lippman of the University of Michigan in 2015 links this “kilig” to movies — especially movies advertise to women, the so-called “chick flicks” — presenting otherwise creepy behavior as romantic.

Women are taught that “grand gestures” like your boyfriend showing up at your workplace to prevent you from leaving him should be taken as a good thing, when in reality, it’s manipulative. Lippman’s study warns against the normalization of aggressive behavior, especially if it infringes on another person's privacy.

Dr. Dale Archer describes the act of going to extremes to sweep someone off their feet early on in the relationship to win their trust as “love bombing”, which he defined as: “an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.”

“We’re not just talking about romantic gestures, like flowers and trips. Love bombing invariably includes lots of romantic conversation, long talks about ‘our future,’ and long periods of staring into each other’s eyes,” Archer wrote. “It’s the combination of words and deeds that makes love bombing so powerful, especially considering today’s technology. The ability to call, text, email, or connect on social media 24/7 makes it easier to be in constant contact with the object of one’s affection than ever before.”

Victoria* shared with GMA News Online an experience that fit this description without being aware of the term.

She said that it seemed that her boyfriend was trying to build her confidence by comparing her to other women, "but then he would slide in comments about his girl friends too, like she's really smart or whatever. That turned into I find ‘this friend is really hot’ to more disgusting remarks like ‘she has nice boobs.’”

She added, “Soon enough, I was being compared to them. He slowly wanted me to doubt myself and feel insecure.”

Victoria later caught her boyfriend exchanging lewd messages with other women and when confronted with it, he shifted the blame to her. He would yell things like "You're clingy, you don't do anything else but nag and yell at me" and "You're a clingy controlling bitch."

GMA News Online presented Victoria’s case to mental health consultant and gender equality advocate Fabrienne Calipara, M.A. and she confirmed that this qualifies as abuse and shouldn’t be dismissed.

“When a woman is repeatedly called names, cursed at, demeaned and belittled, it directly affects her belief system as a person, self-esteem and emotional state of being. It also leads to feelings of low self-worth, self-doubt, insecurity, depression, and a whole lot more,” Calipara said.

The cycle continues and worse, some begin to crave the violence. “Nakakatakot minsan, hinahanaphanap na niya ang pananakit ng kaniyang asawa,” Guan shared, “Kasi para sa kaniya, kung hindi na siya sinasampal o pinapansin, hindi na siya mahal.”

Reality is distorted for the victim in this sense and while it seems obvious to everyone else that she should leave, she finds the strength to hold on. After all, she was told that you cannot give up.

“‘Di ba even with husbands and wives, even the ‘wise’ elders would suggest new brides na if your husbands stray just forgive and forget,” Elizabeth said. “And we can't just blame the men. Even women do this. They would suggest their friends or amigas to just swallow their pride, et cetera.”

“Ang isang relasyon ay hindi parang mainit na kanin na puwede mong iluwa kapag napaso ka,” is a frequent refrain children hear from their elders. It doesn’t matter that you’re hurting or how much you’re hurting. You must bear it, no matter what.

“Ang iba pa nga ang sinasabi, ang dahilan ng strong marriage at kaya naglalast ang isang marriage ay depende sa babae,” Guan told GMA News Online, “Ibig sabihin niyan, ang isang babae, kahit gaano kadami ang [kabit o] babaeng nabuntisan [ng asawa niya], maglalast ang marriage kung hindi ka pipiyok.”

“'Yong gano'ng pressure sa babae, itinuro 'yan simula pa n'ong maliit tayo. Dapat ito ka lang. Kaya kung sa isang circle na 'yan ang definition ng model na babae,” Guan continued.

Montes of Gabriela identified such statements as “ako ang masusunod sa pamamahay na ito” or a parent referring to the children as solely the other parent’s offspring (“‘yong anak mo”) as language that exposes the inequality in partnerships. “Kababae mong tao” and “kalalake mong tao” also enforces stereotypes that ultimately exposes imbalance of power. Men must lead; women must follow.

“We were trained — especially because of our religion — that there are only two kinds of women: Ang model mo ay si Mother Mary at ang pangalawa ay si Magdalena. Kung ikaw ay si Mother Mary, kimi ka, submissive, you're humble, and you follow the rules especially kung rule 'yan ng iyong asawa, ng authority. Hindi ka nagkwequestion,” Guan explained. “Ang opposite naman niyan, Magdalena ka — you're assertive, maingay ka, nagrereklamo ka...d'on ka sa kabila at hindi ikaw ang model. Hindi ikaw ang model Filipina.”

“Most don't speak out and seek help because they're primarily driven by shame and feelings of helplessness. Others think they deserve being treated that way. Some are hoping that their abusive partners will change even if in reality the chances are slim,” Calipara concurred.

Guan added, “That's a typical attitude kasi of a victim. Magbabago naman 'to, kasi ang abuser pagkatapos kang saktan, sasabihin ‘sorry, nabigla lang ako’ o ‘sorry, nakainom ako’ o ‘sorry, grabe ang selos ko’ o ‘I really love you.’”

The girl in the story — the girl locked in the room — was initially crying and pleading to be let out. In the dark and alone, she grows quiet and learns that crying for help is useless.

Even if you let her out, she’ll only end up back in the room anyway. It’s her fault for insisting on playing with other kids. She should just do as she’s told to avoid being punished. This way, she can grow up to be a woman who knows her place.

November 25 is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. It marks the start of the 16-day campaign against gender-based violence.

In the Philippines, Montes revealed that on average, a VAWC case could take anywhere from 3 to 5 years in court. Aside from the financial support required, a strong community behind the woman is also key in winning the case.

“[When a rape occurs] kailan talaga ng babae ang isang suporta na hanggang sa dulo ng kaniyang fight. Usually naman kaya umuurong ang isang victim ay dahil walang support from others,” Guan shared. “Importante talaga ang pagmulat ay hindi lang sa kababaihan, kung hindi sa buong community.”

Guan explained that someone who has been abused might complain about her situation, but still stay in that relationship. “You should not expect na ikaw ay susundin. You should not be frustrated, kasi always, internal ang mapagpasiya...Talagang gan'on ang isang biktima, lalo kung may emotional attachment.”

It is exhausting and tiring to watch a friend make the same mistake over and over, but imagine this tenfold and worse for the victim herself. Let them know that you think they’re being abused.

Help make leaving easier. Call out disrespectful behavior and don’t perpetuate the myth that love means suffering. —GMA News