I’m a single mother, please don’t wish me Happy Father’s Day

There a lot of typical “dad” duties that I do on a regular basis: fix the flushing mechanism of a broken toilet, assemble a thousand-piece Lego set in under two hours, teach my son to pee without missing the bowl. Not because I want to, but because there is simply no one else to turn to. Instead of feeling bad about it, as I had felt in the beginning, I decided to be proud of my newfound skills. 

Mother’s Day is always a great excuse to celebrate these capabilities. Every Mother’s Day for me is a flurry of lunches and heartfelt greetings. But Father’s Day? I know a bunch of well-meaning friends who have sent an affectionate e-card or the odd but playful GIF to wish me “Happy Mother-As-Father’s Day” in the past, for which I am grateful. Yet this is not something I look forward to, and it is not a day that I would elebrate as my own. After all, I am still not the father. And even if he had opted out many years ago, last I checked, biologically and by the looks of my son, his dad is still the dad. 

Illustration: Jannielyn Ann Bigtas/GMA News

A painful partnering/parenting realization

Life is messy, relationships are messier. People fall in love. They have sex. Partners leave, or die. There are children left behind. The kids are innocent of the whole process, yet in a cruel twist, they are usually the most affected. It is up to the remaining partner to make sure the blow is softened. I also realized that fathers, in particular, depart for vastly different reasons, and not always because of lack of love. Perhaps they had not grown up yet, even in middle age. Sometimes they are emotionally or mentally disturbed, and think that staying on to raise a family won’t do their children any good. Or maybe they never feel complete, even if there is a person by their side. 

There are single dads, too, and they are fantastic

But let us not crucify the fathers, because not all of them are deadbeat drifters. According to the Philippine Statistics Office, as of 2016, 49.2% — nearly half — of registered live births in the country were born to unwed mothers. I am definitely part of growing statistic, yet I do know of a growing number of single fathers out there. And these single dads have raised their children extremely well (shall I also add that the original father who inspired the first ever Father’s Day in 1908 was a single dad who raised six kids?). I think that claiming Father’s Day as a mother kind of takes away the spotlight from all these other responsible, loving fathers.  

The “parenting quilt”

My artist friend Jenny Suarez once made an art installation called It Takes a Village. In it, she lovingly hand-stitched fabric squares to form a huge quilt, with each square representing one person who helped raise her daughter at any point in her life. There were hundreds of squares in the quilt. I have never felt alone with all the family support that I had, “single” becomes “multiple,” depending on the daily situation. And while I often tell my son that we live in a non-traditional setting, I always reiterate that he still has a father, albeit absent, and that he cannot simply be taken out of the setup—he is an important square in the quilt, though relegated to the outer edges.

The chance of becoming a better parent

So, you might ask: Should we greet the out-of-picture dads out there a Happy Father’s Day? Go ahead and greet them if one of them is your friend, and please do it without any hint of sarcasm. They are still the fathers, and this might spur them into become better, more involved parents. And for those who have decided to forget that they are dads, perhaps this greeting can slap them back into reality.

Meanwhile, this Father’s Day, I will revel in my motherhood. But more than this, I will remember each parenting day that is completed as a small victory that I will celebrate silently and privately, deep in my heart. — LA, GMA News