Should you get back with your ex? Psychologist answers

A lot of people who have been in a relationship encounter this tale-old question: should you get back with your ex?

Many may answer the question with a solid no, saying it will only be a waste of time. But for psychologist Dr. Anna Tuazon, there’s a much more complex answer.

“[It’s not] always a bad idea to do that,” Tuazon said on “The Howie Severino Podcast.”

“It’s not the breaking up and coming back that’s important, it’s the fact that they reflected what was important while they were away or they were apart,” she said.

“And then, they realize, ‘okay. I can see now how to fix this.’”

The psychologist, however, said two weeks apart was too short of a time to get back together.

“That’s too short [because] what that is most likely is withdrawal,” she said. “Kasi sanay ka na, e, na may nangungumusta sa ’yo … May umiisip sa ’yo.”

[Because you’re used to having someone check up on you, think about you.]

According to Tuazon, in the first two weeks, the person simply misses the routine and the attention and not the other person.

“’Di ba tayo nga ’pag nag-end ng TV show, ng drama, K-drama, ’di ba mayroon tayong grieving? ’Yun lang din ’yun, ’di ba?” she said.

[Even for us, when we finish a TV show, a K-drama, we feel like grieving, right? It’s something similar.]

A good way to know if one is ready is if being alone doesn’t feel bad anymore.

“Give it a month, a few months and kapag nakita mo na, ‘actually okay na ako mag-isa, e. Parang hindi na masakit maging mag-isa.’ Kasi ’pag masakit pa mag-isa withdrawal ’yan,” she said.

[Give it a month, a few months, and if you can say, “actually, I’m okay being alone. Being alone doesn’t hurt.” But if it still makes you feel bad, that’s withdrawal.]

The psychologist added that the so-called “three-month rule” didn’t have to be followed as long as one was sure that they’re not only experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

“So kailangan okay ka na mag-isa. ‘Okay na ako sa routine ko’ pero alam mo at the end of the day, ‘’yung stubbornness ko with that relationship, pero parang hindi naman pala siya kasing important as I thought it was.’ ’Di ba ’yun ’yung okay na, healthy na reassessment na puwede sigurong bumalik, right? Huwag two weeks,” she said.

[So you have to be okay with being alone. “I’m okay with my new routine,” but you know at the end of the day, “my stubbornness in that relationship, it’s not as important as I thought it was.” That’s a healthy reassessment that you can get back together, right? Just not after two weeks.]

Tuazon said there were couples who got back together but their relationship still didn’t work out because they didn’t fix what was broken or they pretended their problems didn’t exist in the first place.

“You have to acknowledge there’s a reason you decided to break up. And usually those reasons are obviously important enough reasons because if not, you wouldn’t have considered breaking up to begin with,” she said.

“And so, if that hasn’t changed and na-miss mo lang kasi wala ka nang kausap, mahirap mag-date sa pandemya, mahirap makahanap ng bago, sabi mo, ‘sige na nga. Balik na lang ako,’” she added.

[You just missed the person because you have no one to talk to, it’s hard to date during the pandemic, it’s hard to find someone new, you just say, “fine. I’ll get back with my ex.”]

“Naku, that’s not a really good reason to get back together.”

For others who have broken up out of impulse, or gotten into a fight and are too proud to apologize, it becomes a question of maturity.

“So dapat ayusin n’yo rin ’yun. Parang kailangan marunong tayong mag-argue, mag-discuss na hindi ginagamit ang breakup as a weapon,” Tuazon said.

“So it really depends paano nag-break up at paano bumalik.”

[You also have to fix that. You have to know how to argue, discuss without using breakups as a weapon. So it really depends how you broke up and how you get back together.]

Breakups don’t have to be seen as failures

According to Tuazon, breakups may be hard and there’s no such thing as painless goodbye, but it’s possible to have a good farewell.

“A good goodbye is where you acknowledge pain that is happening. You acknowledge the value of the relationship that was, you still treat each other with respect as someone who shared a life at some point,” she said.

“So when you end it, you lessen the likelihood, although we can’t guarantee it, you lessen the likelihood of the prolonged hangup.”

With a good goodbye, the psychologist said one could minimize the regrets and the “what ifs.”

“Beyond love actually, choose the path of least regret,” Tuazon said she always told people.

“Where you come away with it feeling, ‘I was a good person there. [I wasn’t mean. I wasn’t petty. I wasn’t a coward. I didn’t ghost anyone.] I didn’t threaten. [I wasn’t] petty.’ Like, ‘I like who I was in that breakup.’ It’s not as sad and painful as it is.”

Tuazon said if people broke up that way, they wouldn’t see their separation as a failure.

“It’s a natural process,” she said. “I just wanted to say it’s a beautiful process when we start things and it can also be a beautiful process when it’s time to let go.” – Kaela Malig/RC, GMA News