Navigating the 'Great Wall' in Filipino-Chinese relationships

If you are dating a Filipino-Chinese, you might have heard of the term "Great Wall." An allusion to the famous Chinese landmark, the Great Wall of China, it refers to the invisible wall blocking a romance between someone of Chinese descent with somebody who is not a part of the Chinoy community.

Some Chinese families in the Philippines, especially the traditional ones, prefer their children to marry someone from the same ethnic and cultural background. Parents from such families are often strict and and have a say on whom their children date and later on marry.

But times are a-changing. Just look at Sparkle actor Benjamin Alves, who just married Filipino-Chinese content creator Chelsea Robato.

Chelsea’s parents, who are both Filipino-Chinese, have been open to her dating whoever she wants, provided he is a good man.

"My mom's pretty open about me having to date who I want to date," the new Mrs. Alves told GMA News Online in an interview. "She just said that as long as the guys take care of you and he's a good guy, he's a good man, and he's a good father to your kids, the ethnicity doesn't matter."

Benjamin, for his part, have heard of the Great Wall but when he met Chelsea, it never became a hindrance in pursuing her.

Photo: Pat Dy

"No. Not at all. I've heard it. It's not the first time I've been asked the question. Pero I never felt it. Kasi nga, her parents, all they asked me was to take care of Chelsea. That's the only requirement, and that's an easy one. They don't have to ask it of me because that is what I would really do," he said.

He adds, "I never felt it [with them]. When I met her mom and her aunts, they received me with open arms." 

Happiness over tradition

Like Benjamin, Ana* (not her real name) is married to a Filipino-Chinese.

Ana admitted that when she and her husband started dating, her initial worry was whether or not his family would approve of their relationship.

"I guess [the Great Wall] is the stigma, the challenges that Filipino-Chinese couples encounter in choosing to be involved romantically," she told GMA News Online.

But when she met his parents for the first time, they were nothing but nice to her, welcomed her into their home, and shared a meal with her.

Ana remained hesitant, as she didn't know if his parents were truly OK with their relationship. But six years later, all is well.

She is happily married to her husband, and his parents have wholeheartedly welcomed her into their family.

"We were reassured that they didn't adhere to the traditional Chinese requirement of marrying into a Chinese family. They also made it clear that our happiness was their priority, expressing joy in welcoming me into their family," she Ana said.

Bumping into the Great Wall

If Ben and Ana were able to conquer the "Great Wall," it's not the case for Mae*, who endured a painful relationship with a former boyfriend who hails from a Filipino-Chinese family.

"It was really bad; his mom was calling him and us names, and na didiretso daw kami sa impyerno for that," she said. "They didn't talk for a couple of weeks, and I knew that it really took a toll on him."

It didn't help that they were only high schoolers back then.

Aside from his family’s objection, Mae struggled fitting in with her boyfriend’s group of friends because she could not understand Hokkien.

She remembers feeling out of place in most conversations despite her boyfriend’s best efforts to translate it for her.

Mae admitted that she didn't feel compelled to study Chinese culture, but she would have been willing to learn, if she was able to meet his family to get their approval.

"I think if umabot ako sa stage na I met his family — yes absolutely, I would've done everything in my power for them to like me," she said.

Despite everything, her boyfriend still fought for their relationship.

"Pinanindigan naman niya ako through all of that tension, but it really made me guilty because I put him through that," Mae said.

Ultimately, after nine months, they broke up.

"I think it would have taken a long time for his family to accept me, given that my family background isn't on the same level as his," she said. "It's not easy being in a Fil-Chi relationship."

Respecting the culture

Even though the Great Wall was not a hindrance for newlyweds Benjamin and Chelsea, the Kapuso actor understood and respected the importance of Chinese culture for his wife’s family, and it was evident in their wedding.

The ceremony was guided by many Chinese traditions, including their wedding date itself and incorporating the color red.

Ben and Chelsea got married on January 28, which is a lucky date in Feng Shui. In Chinese, the number "2" means "double" and "double the joy," so it is usually considered a good number, and the number "8" is the luckiest number because it is similar to the pronunciation of the word "prosper." 

Chelsea's dad also combed her hair three times downward. She also sat on a red cloth while getting her makeup done and had to walk with a red umbrella and a fan from the hotel to the car.

Photo: Pat Dy

In Chinese, red is the most important color and a symbol of a happy marriage, while the umbrella symbolizes fertility.

Ben also revealed they have to get married before the sun goes down, as their Feng Shui recommended it.

Fitting in

Ana, meanwhile, said that there was much effort on her part to fit into her husband’s family as she was some sort of "outsider."

"I had to get used to attending these gatherings more regularly because they mean a lot to my husband. It was a pretty big deal for me, considering I'm an introvert who usually sheers away from social gatherings," she said.

Six years into their relationship and four months after being married, Anna said that she is still trying to learn the deeply-rooted Chinese culture.

In the end, Filipino-Chinese relationships have different outcomes. Some relationships fail, but some of them succeed and conquer the Great Wall, proving that love is still greater than any barrier.