How does an open marriage work? Filipina-Indian author of memoir on polyamory has answers

[First of three parts]

Polyamory has been the topic of not a few whispered conversations over the past few years. Often called an open relationship, polyamory is the practice of consensual non-monogamy.

In the Philippines where there is still no divorce, the topic is controversial.

Interestingly, a Filipina-Indian based in Amsterdam has written a memoir about her open marriage. Deepa Paul answers questions you might have about open relationships as she explores her own in her debut book "Ask Me How It Works," which already has been translated to German and Dutch.

Ultimately, it's about how Deepa was able to design her life that makes the most sense for her. "First is knowing what you want and not being afraid to ask for it," she tells GMA News Online over Zoom one September afternoon.

Amid preparations for her upcoming appearance as a panelist at the Frankfurt Book Fair, she answered GMA News Online's questions.  

Below is our super interesting conversation with Deepa, edited for length and clarity.

Congrats on the book! Tell us about "Ask Me How it Works."

My book started from an essay. And just like the short-form piece that I tried to get published, the idea for it came from the most frequent questions I received about being in an open marriage. 

Because I was so sick and tired of telling people the same answers again and again that I wanted to just send them a link. So I was like, 'I'll make my life easier, I'll write something, and forward them this link when they ask me."

PHOTO COURTESY: JENNY PEÑAS

So, how did it all start?

I realized I was extremely curious about having these kind of out-of-the-norm sexual experiences when I got married. I started exploring through fantasy. I started finding out about what people do other than have sex in the missionary position with their husband by going on — I stumbled into Craigslist. 

I was selling furniture because we were moving from Singapore to Amsterdam and I fell into this rabbit hole where I suddenly saw all of the possible things you could do and explore. I was like, "What's this? Is this what people are walking around thinking and not talking about?" 

Growing up Catholic and sheltered, obviously none of that existed for me. So I became curious about it. But I forgot about it until we moved to Amsterdam. 

We were already living in Amsterdam, really happy to be here, resettled. We were already talking about having a baby. And there was one particular ad on Craigslist that caught my eye. It was some guy saying that he wanted to go to a swingers club because he and his wife were open, and I didn't know what that meant.

So I created a throwaway email address and replied, "Excuse me, what are you talking about? What's a swingers club? What do you mean you and your wife are active in the lifestyle and that you're open?" 

He answered all of my questions and it just blew my mind. This started percolating in my mind. "Oh my gosh, this is the kind of adventures that we came to Europe for, and particularly Amsterdam." That was back in 2012.

I remember bringing that up with my husband and saying, "Let's do all of this stuff while we're still young and hot" and it did not go well. His response to me was very explosive. So I kind of buried it, but I would still go back once in a while to see what was going on in Craigslist. 

Shortly after my daughter was born, I went to Berlin with my husband, Marcus, on a business trip. He was like, "Let's hire a babysitter so can have a night off because you haven't had any rest or time to explore on your own." 

I browsed Craigslist: "What is there to do in Berlin at night?" And found this guy who was looking for a big belly because he found that sexy. I was like, I have one but I didn't understand what was so hot about it. So, while my husband was at a corporate function, I went to meet him. We ended up kissing and keeping in touch after I went back to Amsterdam.

AMSTERDAM. COURTESY: DEEPA PAUL

How did that make you feel? Did it feel like you were cheating on your husband, doing something immoral?

I remember having cognitive dissonance back then. I remember thinking that I deserved a night out 'cause I was really in the trenches of new motherhood. I had no job, I had no friends, and I was like, "I deserve to have a little fun." 

So I went back to Amsterdam, we started emailing each other and we kind of became like online friends. And then when that kind of opportunity presented itself, we met up again. I went to Vienna to see friends from the Philippines and then he came to join me. For a year, I was like, "I'm really lonely and this is the only person who doesn't see me as a mother."

All of my new friends in Amsterdam were all moms so all we talked about were our babies, our husbands. And then in this other kind of relationship or online friendship, we talked about everything. We talked about art, politics, books, music — all the things that used to make me, me, that somehow disappeared. 

So I felt like, "Okay, well, this is, you know, I'm clearly not in love with this guy. He's not in love with me. We're just talking." And then it became like a not a one-night stand, I guess, like a couple of days. It felt safe to do it 'cause he was going to move to the US. It'll take care of itself. And then I went home and I pretended that nothing happened. Marcus found out, I think a year later.

How?

I was running late somewhere and left my computer open. There was a chat window that popped up from this guy and then Marcus went through the whole chat history and that was basically almost the breakup of our marriage. 

I think my daughter was around two or three. Marcus decided to stay. And then I remember we were taking it one day at a time. He was devastated. 

And everything that I had sort of been blocking in my head just hit me. I was like, "Oh my god, what have I been doing?" The first thing he said was like, "I'll stay here for this night and then we'll see again tomorrow." And then I was like, "Okay." And then the next day he said, "I'm going to stay, but you have to fix this. You have to find out why you're doing this. You have to work on yourself."

I went not into therapy, but I found a coach who does non-violent communication. It's not psychotherapy, but it's like a way where both of you can talk, um, and articulate your needs and find a compromise. It's like listening to each other.  

What came out of doing that work together was that I had unmet needs and I made a unilateral decision to serve my needs without consideration for Marcus' needs. 

At some point, the communication coach was like, "Okay, you obviously have this need for sexual adventure, variety, exploration, spontaneity. Did you ever try to satisfy these needs with Marcus?" And then I said, "I tried." 

And then she was like, "How did that go?" And then Marcus realized: "Oh, she tried with me and then I shut her down and I rejected her."

So after that, it was the first time I felt like actually having these needs was not a bad thing, that they're normal human needs. 

And that Marcus needed stability and transparency. What really hurt for him was not knowing. It wasn't the sex, but actually not having known. So he needed transparency, he needed honesty, he needed to feel like the priority in the relationship. 

When we compared these sets of needs, we were like, "Okay, how will we have variety, exploration, sexual adventure, while being transparent, honest, and protecting the relationship?" 

We didn't even know it was called an open marriage back then. Somehow that was the container that seemed to fit what we were both looking for.

Divorce, breaking up — they weren't even among the options?

It was not an option actually. I think Marcus considered it. He looked at it because we were married in the Philippines and there's no divorce. 

So he said, "What would we have to do to get divorced here?" So he looked it up, we would have to de-register at city hall as partners, but we'd never be able to remarry in the Philippines. 

He considered everything and he said, "I don't want to start over again with someone new. Actually what I want is the life I have with you."

It was a really difficult time to be making these decisions 'cause he hated me. Like, we were somehow still parenting,  and then I also realized that like I was so guilty, but then we couldn't rebuild if I was guilty. 

So somehow I had to forgive myself and not feel like I was like this broken, crazy thing to be fixed. And then we could start from there. 

Ok, so what did you do?

The first thing we did was set up Tinder accounts next to each other. Back then there was only Tinder and no one knew what an open marriage was. I didn't even know —like we really thought we were inventing something new, right? Like we didn't know what it was called. 

So, really just navigating all these feelings and needs. We were winging it and just, yeah, just trying to figure it out. So, we started dating and then because now I have this freedom to be like out of the house, I don't know, once a week or something. I had discovered clubbing. Um, I didn't really want to meet people on apps anymore. It was so much fun to do it in the wild.

How did that work?

We agreed to some ground rules. Our whole vision was, we would go to swingers clubs together. We would try to get a threesome, these kind of like very basic checkmarks on your sexual exploration checklist. 

But it wasn't working out because we had a young baby and we didn't have family to take care of her. So, we're like, "Okay, so let's take turns." If one of us got a match or a date, we would tell each other in advance because of course somebody had to be home with a baby. 

We agreed on barrier methods always, safe sex always. That's like rule number one. 

We agreed to get tested every 3 months for STIs and share the results with each other. We agreed no co-workers — "don't shit where you eat" — and no friends. Friends are messy.

We agreed to cap my dates at once a week, max. We also had this, um, agreement about not sleeping over with other partners in the beginning.

Those were like kind of the ground rules for the first, I want to say, two, three years.

• Second part: In an open marriage, do you introduce your partners to each other? And how do you inform your children?
• Third part: In an open marriage, who takes care of the spouse who gets sick?

— GMA Integrated News