In an open marriage, do you introduce your partners to each other? And how do you inform your children?

[Second of three parts]

In her memoir "Ask me How it Works," Filipino-Indian author Deepa Paul discusses how she stumbled upon polyamory and realized it was for her, and the intricacies of opening her marriage. 

It sounds easy, especially in a permissive place like Amsterdam, where Deepa is based. But add the factor of having a child and it sounds like an extra ball to juggle.

In this second of a three-part interview, Deepa talks about the intricacies of the set-up, and how she explained her open marriage to her daughter.

Read the first part: How does an open marriage work? Filipina-Indian author of memoir on polyamory has answers

At which point in your marriage did you decide to open it?

On our seventh year. I don't know, maybe there's something to the seven-year-itch because all of my friends from high school, their marriages all started falling apart. 

For a lot of my peers back home, they ended up breaking up with their husbands and becoming single moms. And somehow I felt like we've found a hack. No need to choose. Our compatibility is super high, we love each other, we're great co-parents, we're a great team. And then there's this one thing that's missing, which is exploration and adventure. 

It was like this kind of exploration that we couldn't have growing up in the Philippines 'cause who had the privacy? Who had the time? You know, we're all struggling to survive. We didn't know it was possible. You know, we were so ashamed, we were shamed into hiding our bodies, downplaying our needs, being good girls.

DEEPA PAUL IN AMSTERDAM. PHOTO COURTESY: SAMIRA KAFALA

How did the boyfriend come?

One of our implicit agreements in the beginning was do not have emotional intimacy with other people to protect our marriage. But then COVID happened.

I was a very busy woman in February 2020 before the lockdown. I was partying a lot, I was dating a lot. And I had just met this Irish photographer. And to this day, he says my Tinder profile said, "Probably not going to fall in love with you," and that's why he swiped. 

So we were dating, you know, like once every two, three, four weeks, and then lockdown happened. So, life became 24/7 with my family. All the clubs were closed, the dating scene was obviously done. And yet I had all these, you know, kind of desperate single guys going, "Hey, like do you want to meet up?" And I, of course, shut them down. I was like, "This is not responsible. You are not thinking straight." 

But this one guy, he wasn't one of the ones who was trying to hook up. And so I felt like, this guy is really safe. I really trust him. 

It took me weeks to decide to actually see him in person again and go on a walk. But by that time, I felt like we got along really well. He felt like a really good person. And then from those walks and phone conversations, we became really close. 

And then at some point, I think we realized that this lockdown thing was going to last for a while. I was full of anxiety for everything that was happening here and in the Philippines also with my mom and my sister. I was going crazy. So I said something about my life has to normalize. I have to choose something. I was like, "OK I want to see him."

So negotiation again with Marcus: "Hey, like, I want to date." And like, "Why this guy? And you know, we're all struggling here." And I said, "Look, I really need something about my life to feel normal. This is what I choose." 

So then, my life during lockdown became six days a week with my family and then one night a week I would go to Robert's house. And then because of how intense it was... I always call that time an emotional pressure cooker, right? Like all of our feelings were so heightened. The little you had was so magnified and so intense. 

So we developed feelings for each other in, like, I don't know, three months, maybe less. 

Um, and then at some point Marcus asked me, "Are you in love with him?" And I said, "Yes." Honesty is the promise. 

So we were a bit like, "Okay, what now?" At this point, it didn't feel like it was fair to shut down our relationship that already involved someone who's a whole person in themselves with their own feelings. 

It didn't feel fair for Marcus to go, "Well, I'm the husband, so you have to get rid of him." Like it never came up. So now it was like, "Okay, well now there are three of us. What do we do?"

Marcus did not ask you to choose?

No.

Robert didn't ask you to choose?

Never.

You did not feel like choosing?

No, because at the time, it didn't feel like a relationship at the very beginning. It felt like these are the few hours I have to myself a week where I'm not a wife or mother, and this is what I choose to do with these hours. 

I choose to spend them with this person doing these things. You know, I'm not going to be out running a marathon or learning how to play the cello. This is what I want to do. And this is the person I want to spend this time with. So, it didn't feel like that in the beginning. It didn't feel like, "Oh, now I have to choose."

When I realized that I love Roboert, I was already seeing it coexist with the rest of my life. I love my husband, I love my daughter, now there's this new person that I love, that all somehow seem to occupy their own zones. Um, and if they all fit, and if we can all make it work and no one is asking me to give up anything, okay.

Do they know each other? Has that come up?

That was also interesting because they were quite happy to let each other exist in their own sphere. 

One of our agreements with Marcus is we don't bring sexual partners over. Our home is for our family. So Robert had never been here. So it's like he exists in his little bubble there and Marcus exists in his little bubble there and I'm like going back and forth, you know, between these two bubbles. 

And for a quite some time, I think because both of them were getting used to the idea, um, especially Marcus, they didn't ask to meet each other. But the reviews were, you know, the reviews were coming in on Marcus. He was like, "Oh, this guy seems like a really good guy. He seems really good for you. Um, seems like he really loves you." So, okay. Um, and then they met maybe a year after everything started, like a year after the lockdown.

It was a super chance encounter. I managed to get Marcus to agree to a two-night camping trip with me and Robert. He came by with his van to get me and my stuff and Marcus was like, "Well, you're not going to be able to carry all of that downstairs. Why don't I carry it for you?" And I was like, "Oh my god." 

So they met on the street while loading camping stuff into a van. And that's how they first met, which was great because it was short. You know, both of them had easy escapes. It was very logistical. 

Since then, especially because of the book, the started showing up and because of that, they would socialize. 

I heard recently of this term called "garden party polyamory," where it's like you can be social in, you know, in social situations. Like you see each other at the company party once a year, you know, and then you like, you have a beer and stuff, but you're not required to be best friends. 

It's like, "I see you, you know, I see you. How are you? How are you doing?" It's very civil. Um, like kind of friendly. 

And then of course your daughter.

When we started out, she was really small, like 3-4 years old. Everything that went on in our open marriage was all after bedtime. And to kids, nothing that happens after bedtime is real. So a lot of what we did was basically unknown to her. She wouldn't ask, "Where are you going after I go to bed?" or something, right?

Then during COVID, because we were all locked down together, I was honest about saying, "I'm going to go to Robert's house and sleep over there." She already knew what sleepovers were 'cause she would sleep over with her friends, and in her mind, like her working knowledge of a sleepover is, "Oh, sleepovers are fun things you do with friends." So I would just say, "I'm going to Robert's. I'm sleeping over and coming back tomorrow." There was never any hiding.

So she found out about your boyfriend during COVID.

It was the first time I was really seeing someone regularly and comfortable enough to bring someone up by name. 

We also had a curfew, so I had to explain to her, "Now I'm going out at 7 and I don't want to be caught, um, you know, after the curfew, so I'm going to stay there tonight." 

So it was so normalized to her. She was about six or seven at that stage and this continued for the next few years. So it became very, very normalized. She would hear his name. I would talk about him so she would be aware that there was this person, you know, that I like to spend time with. But we didn't stick a label on it. And that only really became necessary, I think, when the book was acquired in 2023 and I realized it was going to become public. 

Marcus and I decided that she needed to hear the story from us, not from media or social media or the neighbors or friends. She was 11 at that time. So, I sat her down and had a conversation with her and it was basically putting a label on what she already knew. 

We also agreed between like Marcus, Robert, and myself, that Robert was not part of our family life, that what he and I had was separate. And that, you know, we would never, for example, ask him to go and pick up our daughter from school or he would never come and have dinner with us. 

I think he was very, very cautious also about being embedded in my daughter's life because we didn't know how long we were going to last. He was always clear that he wanted to have a wife and family and I was always clear that that wasn't me. 

But we looked at what we had and he said, "You know, hey, this is really, really good and this is really real." Um, and I said, I'm like, "I'm okay with us, like I'm in an open marriage. I'm okay with us being in an open relationship." So if you want to, if you meet someone along the way, you know, um, to start a family with them, like someone who can be a long-term partner to you, then go and do it. But in the meantime, we have a lot of things we can enjoy together.

Is he in a relationship?

No. I think we're finding out that, uh, in principle he loves the idea, but actually capacity, like the capacity to date multiple people. I mean, who has the energy? Um, I certainly don't have the energy I had when I was doing all of this exploring at 35 and now I'm 43. He's 37. 

But my husband is still dating. And a lot of Marcus' dates ended up becoming really, really good friends. I think his first Tinder date from 10 years ago, they're still friends. So for him, the big benefit has actually been developing really close friendships with women that would be, in a normal marriage, seen as suspicious, right? — LA, GMA Integrated News