In an open marriage, who takes care of the spouse who gets sick?

[Last of three parts]

Polyamory, or the practice of consensual non-monogamy, sounds like a messy affair.

But for Amsterdam-based Filipina-Indian author Deepa Paul, it was simply about designing a life that makes the most sense for her. 

She wrote a book about her open marriage, "Ask Me How It Works," which was released earlier this year and has been translated to Dutch and German.

But a little before her book was released, Deepa was diagnosed with Stage 0 breast cancer, making the practicalities of an open marriage like hers even more pronounced. Who has the responsibility of taking care of Deepa and bringing her to her doctors appointments? Who is her emergency contact?

In this third and last part of our interview, Deepa shares how she got through her breast cancer diagnosis — and the subsequent months of treatments – with her husband and her boyfriend.

• First part: How does an open marriage work? Filipina-Indian author of memoir on polyamory has answers
• Second part: In an open marriage, do you introduce your partners to each other? And how do you inform your children?

DEEPA PAUL IN AMSTERDAM. PHOTO COURTESY: WESLEY VERHOEVE

Last year, you were diagnosed with stage zero breast cancer. How did that work? Who took care of you? 

I realized that something was off while I was on a trip in Portugal with Robert. I was lying curled up on the floor because I was really cold, and then something around my left boob started to hurt. I thought, "This is weird. Maybe it's just how I'm lying down." 

But on the second night, the same thing happened, the same spot. And then I remembered an executive checkup when I was like 27 or 28, they found a small lump in my left breast. I had a mammogram but because I was 28, they said, "Oh, you're 28 and you have very dense breasts, which is very typical for 20-year-olds. It's nothing."

And so suddenly, I remembered, "Oh, maybe I should go and check that out." I kind of put it out of my mind until the following January when Robert harassed me. I refused to make an appointment with the doctor because I was so scared — this could be something. I didn't want to deal with it because I had all of the book success coming my way. At this point, I was already preparing for the book.

But he sat down with me and he held my hand and we made the appointment together. I was diagnosed with DCIS in March, which is breast cancer stage zero. We were not prepared, I was not prepared for how many doctor's appointments there would be. Like multiple tests just to confirm the diagnosis, multiple tests to be able to decide the scope of treatment, which was always going to be surgical. 

And Marcus was working full-time and taking care of our daughter. So it just became — it just happened very organically. Whoever was available, like I would say, "Okay, I have this appointment," and then Robert would go, "Who's taking you?" and I would say, "I think Marcus is taking me." "Okay, well if he can't take you, I'll take you." You know, it was very natural, very organic.

But through everything, I'm sure it got chaotic, if a little crowded?

Just doctor's appointments alone, for checkups and things like that, I had something like 50 to 60, maybe more in the last year. 

The mastectomy is the first major surgery, and when I woke up from the mastectomy, they were both there, because I had asked both of them to be there. 

But caring for me at home, of course because we live together, was Marcus' full-time job. Everything at home was Marcus' responsibility, all of the emergency stuff, because emergencies would arise when I was at home.

I had two additional surgeries which were unplanned, both under general anesthesia one week after another. So three weeks of anesthesia. Marcus took me to all of those.

There was one ER visit where we had to leave the house and it was late, like 10 p.m. or something, and the first person I called to come over and stay with my daughter in case she wakes up was Robert. 

They'd met each other already, and the meeting was very casual. But he never had like the label. So I knew that he was like the first person I could rely on outside of Marcus, outside of my family. 

All of my other friends are moms, so they all have their own shit. Like, you know, they're all dealing with their families. So, by 10 p.m. no one's picking up their phone. 

Anyway I remember at the time, I think Marcus had already taken maybe six weeks off work to stay home with me. And then Robert just said to him like, "Man, how do you still have a job?" He understood the demand on Marcus' time and energy full time, taking care of somebody takes a toll. So, Robert was stepping in wherever he could.

Did it awaken any sense of competition between them?

No. I think they both — we all saw how dire the situation was. So it was not a competition, but actually like collaboration. 

By that time, they already had each other's numbers, so sometimes they would coordinate. But mostly, yes, yeah. Sometimes, I mean, Marcus gets invited to Robert's birthday parties now, like every year.

How about your emergency contacts?

Wait, let me look on my phone. Number one, Marcus. Number two, Robert. Number three, my daughter. Number four, my sister. Number five, doctor. So, you know, okay, so it's clear for everyone involved.

How are you moving forward? What are the plans? Or is it still one day at a time for your relationships?

I think now because all of the excitement and trauma from last year has kind of settled, each of us is taking a look at how we are now after everything that's happened. 

Marcus took a six-month sabbatical from work so that I could spread my wings and do all of these things: road trip to Berlin, travel to London, blah blah blah. He took a six-month break from work to be able to support me, by staying home and being with our daughter.

Robert also took a lot on emotionally. I think for a relationship that's not really designed for it — we weren't designed for carrying heavy stuff, right? Like we started out as a good-time adventure.

I remember telling him after I was diagnosed and I knew what the surgery treatment would be, I gave him the option. I said, "We don't have to do this next part together." Um, it's a lot to ask. And I said, "If you decide to hop off now, I will really understand." 

And he didn't want to. He said, "No, I want to support you and make sure that nothing bad happens to you and I'm here to stay." So he took a lot on emotionally and logistically. 

He's also in this process of taking a look at, "Okay, um, how has all that been on me? Where are we now six years later with, you know, my desire to have a wife and a family?" Um, that's been coming up a lot in conversations lately. 

And I'm really trying to slow down even with the Frankfurt Book Fair coming up. I am kind of catching up and really letting the last few months sink in, but also realizing that I wasn't fully recovered when I started going on this circus of promotion and travel for the book. And now I'm seeing that it has taken a toll on my body and on my mind, so I need rest. — GMA Integrated News