Husband or wife: Relationship coach weighs in on who should decide in a marriage

When married couples disagree, should the husband take the lead—or the wife?

In an interview on “Unang Hirit,” relationship and parenting coach Maribel Sison-Dionisio from The Love Institute addressed questions about roles, control, and decision-making in marriage, stressing that partnerships should be built on discussion, not dominance.

“‘Pag magkaiba, at madalas mayroon namang pagkakaiba, so pag-usapan. Hindi ‘yung si lalaki lang ‘yung susunod o si babae lang ‘yung susunod. Pakinggan muna natin ‘yung pananaw o ‘yung pag-iisip ng bawat isa. May storya ‘yan eh, may kwento ‘yan. At kadalasan, ‘pag narinig mo ‘yung background at tsaka ‘yung background niya, nagkakaroon ng liwanag at mas madaling gumawa ng decision, a joint decision. So ‘yun ‘yung naayos,” she said.

[When there are differences, and often there are differences, talking it out is important. It's can't be the husband will only follow or the wife will only follow. They need to listen to each of their opinions. There's a story behind their reasoning. And when you listen, clarity comes and making a joint decision becomes easier.]

In cases where differences remain due to values or approaches, she said couples can explore alternatives or even agree to disagree, rather than forcing one side to yield.

“May iba naman talaga, maski na nagkwentuhan sila, talagang naiiba. Because maybe they have different values or different ways of doing things. So ngayon, pag-uusapan, is there another way? Kasi gusto ko ito, gusto mo ‘yan, can we have both? Agree to disagree,” she said.

[There are times when opinions really differ maybe because they have different values or different ways of doing things. Is there another way? Maybe they can agree to disagree.]  

On the issue of work, the coach said a spouse does not have the right to simply forbid the other from pursuing what they want.

“Dapat pag-usapan again. Hopefully pinag-uusapan ‘yun bagong nag-asawa. Kasi magiging issue ‘yan eh. Or baka si wife can do a part-time job. O baka si husband ayaw rin magtrabaho. Gusto niya house husband, may ganyan din. So pinag-uusapan ito and you have to negotiate.”

[They need to talk, again. Hopefully, that's something couples talk about before marriage because it will become an issue. Maybe the wife can get into a part-time job, or maybe the husband also doesn't want to work anymore and become a house husband instead, because there are such cases. So it needs to be talked about and you have to negotiate.] 

If couples struggle to resolve conflicts on their own, she advised seeking guidance from wedding sponsors or neutral mentors.

“Tatawagin niyo ‘yung mga ninong at ninang niyo sa kasal. Hopefully, pwede silang magpayo sa inyo. Kaya may ninong at ninang tayo sa kasal, para tumulong sa atin to be objective about the issue. If not, then you go to a professional,” she said.

[Call your godparents, hopefully they can give you good advice. That's the reason you have sponsors at your wedding, to help you become objective about the issue. If not, then you go to a professional.]

Sison-Dionisio also cautioned against airing marital conflicts on social media, saying public posts can humiliate one partner and worsen the situation.

“‘Pag nilabas mo sa social media, nagsusumbong ka doon, eh, hindi tama ‘yun. Napapahiya na ‘yung isa. Magsumbong ka kay ninong at ninang, private, ‘di ba? Pero kadalasan, ‘yung sinasabi namin, ‘wag sa tatay or nanay niyo kasi pumapanig sila sa isa,” she said.

[It's not right to air it out on social media. It will embarrass your partner. Go talk to your godparents in private. Often, we don't advise for couples to go to their parents because they will side with their child.]

According to her, some couples even agree in advance on a trusted circle of friends.

“Or, ‘di ba yung entourage mo, you have very good friends, both of you. ‘Yan ‘yung kaya gumawa ka ng sumbungan community mo,” she said. “Kaya pipili ka nung mga mature and they will not align at hindi sila mag-iisip, ‘Ay, ang sama mo itong ginawa mo sa friend ko.’ Kaya choosing. Ang ginagawa ng iba, may agreement silang dalawa. Agree tayong dalawa, itong taong ‘to, we can trust and they can be objective at hindi tayo parang minamaliit or magku-kwento.”

[Your wedding entourage is your community, so choose your mature friends who will not be biased and simply align with their friend. What other couples do is draw up an agreement. They make a list of people they can trust and be objective with.]

When asked how to distinguish between protective behavior and controlling tendencies, Sison-Dionisio said couples should establish clear guidelines early on to lessen conflict.

“Dressing up, eating, where to go, what to do, pinag-uusapan para nababawasan nga ang conflict. But when it comes na nagkakaiba, again, pag-usapan. ‘Maganda ‘yan for this occasion, pero this one, for now, sana ‘yung sinuot mo, noong isang-araw, that's better,’” she said.

[Dressing up, eating, where to go, what to do — these are talked about to avoid risks of conflict. And when it comes to differing opinions, the couple must talk. 'This is good for this occasion but for this one, what you wore the other day is better.']

She added that spending ample time together before marriage allows partners to see each other’s true character, values, and passions, making it easier to adjust and accept differences later on.

“Three years sana, para makita mo ‘yung totoong pagkatao, what you're passionate about, what kind of person you are,” she said. “Iba ‘yung naranasan mo, at alam mong ganito siya talaga. Mas madaling tanggapin ‘yun at pag-usapan. Kasi the friendship is the one formed in the three years eh. Hindi naman kaagad ‘yan. ‘Di ba? ‘Pag friends kayo, naga-adjust ka.”

[Three years is ideal so you experience who your partner really is, and what kind of person you really are. It's different when you experience and know exactly who your partner is. Friendship is formed in the three years. When you are friends, you adjust to the other.]  

Addressing the biblical verse often cited about wives submitting to their husbands, Sison-Dionisio said the passage is frequently taken out of context.

“The one in the Bible, nakalimutan nila, there is a paragraph before that, that says, the husband is the head of the church and it assumes that the husband is responsible. So we will follow when [he's] responsible and he's thinking of the whole family. Kung hindi, kailangang mag-isip din si misis about these things. So ‘yung context na ‘yun, usually is taken out of context. Equality din naman eh, what is good for him will be good for her, is very important,” she said.

“‘Yung possessive, controlling, ‘yan ang mga nakakasira.”

Sison-Dioniso appeared on "Unang Hirit" Friday together with SexBomb Girls member Sunshine Garcia, who talked bout her marriage with Alex Castro.

"Hindi ito ownership na, 'ay hindi pwede. Huwag mong gawin ‘yan, hindi ka dapat ganito, hindi ka dapat yun.' Hindi ganun eh. So nagbibigayang kaming dalawa. Mas maganda ‘yung parehas ‘yung sinusuportahan kung ano ‘yung gusto ng isa't-isa,” she said. — Carby Basina/LA, GMA Integrated News