Gaslighting 101: What is it, how to know if you’re being gaslighted, and more

Gaslighting has become a popular term nowadays, and has been applied in conversations pertaining not only to partners but also to family members and relatives, even to government officials. But what does it really mean and how can we know if we’re being gaslighted?

In an exclusive interview with GMA News Online, psychologist Dr. Anna Tuazon explained that gaslighting is a form of abuse wherein someone intentionally deceives another person into doubting their perception of their experience. It makes them not trust what they’re seeing or hearing.

She emphasises the intent to deceive. “In gaslighting, it should be very, very clear that the person doing the gaslighting knows that s/he is tricking the other person to make them doubt their own experience.”

As in: Partner A, a gaslighter, is trying to make Partner B believe that s/he has not been a faithful person.

“Partner B would know if he's cheated on Parter A or not. That’s his experience. It's not even a debate on the truth. Partner B knows he's not cheated. He knows, for sure, he's been faithful. Then Partner A is making him doubt himself. So he'll be like, ‘Wait, did I cheat? Did I manipulate this person?’” Tuazon illustrates.

The term “gaslight” was coined after the play “Gas Light,” which was later adapted into a hit American film in 1944. In the story, the husband attempts to isolate his wife and make her believe she is insane. To do so, he went on to dim and brighten the gaslights and then insist she was only imagining it.

According to a 2019 American Sociological Review study called “The Sociology of Gaslighting,” gaslighting uses physical and verbal incidents of abuse to create a sense of lost reality and confusion. The study theorized that gaslighting is rooted in social inequalities, including gender.

“Structural vulnerabilities — gender, nationality, sexuality — create the terrain upon which gaslighting tactics become successful,” the study said.

The women in the study described their abusers as “twisting” reality, and even “changing facts.” Abusers also made them feel “crazy” and associated their partners lack of reason as a “feminine quality.”

According to Tuazon, gaslighting doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. “It happens everywhere. It can be parent-child, it can be between any two people. If you think about it, we can even go bigger — in society, governments can gaslight its people,” she said.

Difference between gaslighting and lying

There is, however, an important distinction to note between gaslighting and blatant lying, as well as having disagreements.

“For example, not all lying is necessarily gaslighting," Tuazon said. "But when you make someone else doubt what they saw and doubt what they say, then that's what makes it gaslighting.” 

Sometimes, the psychologist shared, people just have different experiences of the same phenomenon and have disagreements.

As in: A couple having different interpretations of an experience, for example cheating. “A couple disagrees about what happened. ‘Is that cheating? Not cheating?’ Iba ang grey area. Iba ang blurred lines from gaslighting,” Tuazon said.

Having a different interpretation is different from gaslighting, and this is where people often get things wrong, Tuazon observes. “Mami-misuse or nao-overuse ‘yung gaslighting, kasi iba ang interpretation.”

[Grey area is different. Blurred lines are different from gaslighting. Interpretation is different. I think sometimes, that’s what I see gaslighting is being misused or overused because interpretation is different.]

Here, Tuazon gives an example: You see your partner in a restaurant with someone else. You confront your partner about cheating but your partner denies it because for him, having dinner in a restaurant is not cheating. What transpired is a difference in interpretation.

But if your partner denies it, saying it wasn't him you saw at the restaurant or that you were imagining things, and then you begin to doubt what you saw, then that's gaslighting.

“The important part here is: ‘I know I went out with this person. My partner caught me. So I'm going to tell her she's insane and jealous.’ That's gaslighting. Because that’s really the truth but I’m going to make her think she’s crazy for seeing someone else.”

Facts vs. feelings, gaslighting vs. invalidation

Tuazon also makes the distinction between facts and feelings. "In therapy, in psychology, in relationships, feelings are not facts," she said.

"Feeling like you were attacked doesn't really mean that you were attacked. But if you say, your foot was stepped on, that's a [verifiable] fact. Or that you used curse words. You told me I was this this this, and that — those are facts,” she added.

Apart from differentiating facts from feelings, it’s also important to know the difference between and gaslighting and invalidation.

“I think a lot of invalidation has been confused with gaslighting,” Tuazon said. “The moment you cheat [tapos] nag-deny ka, gaslighter agad. Or the moment hindi super affectionate or supportive si partner, gaslighting na kasi minamaliit ‘yung pain.”

[The moment you cheat and you deny it, you’re a gaslighter already or the moment you’re no longer affectionate or supportive to your partner, it’s gaslighting already because you undermine their pain.]

“Invalidation is where you do not validate the experience of the other person," Tuazon explains. When someone tells you, "It doesn’t make sense to me why you think that way," that’s invalidation. When someone says, "Why are you crying? It's not a big deal," that's an invalidation.

And while invalidation may be hurtful, Tuazon says, "I don't think any person is capable of 100% validating all the time.”

Deciding whether something is a big deal or not, whether you get hurt, said Tuazon, is an interpretation. If they say, you’re not hurt, that's just invalidation.

When facts are being questioned, that's gaslighting.

“As a professional, for you to say it’s gaslighting — first the truth has to be inarguable. Meaning kailangan sigurado. Kasi kung he said-she said, teka di 'ba? Baka in denial lang,” Tuazon said.

“What you said is important. [If you're met with] ‘No, you’re just crazy, you’re being paranoid, you're imagining things, you’re so jealous, you're seeing things,’ Nako! That’s classic gaslighting.”

[For me as a professional, for you to say it’s gaslighting, first the truth has to be inarguable. Meaning it has to be sure. Because if it’s a he said-she said thing, then it might just be denial.]

She added, “Facts are facts, that's where we start the conversation, that's where we start the investigation. But if the conversation starts with ‘I feel and because we should validate how I feel and if you don't, you're a gaslighter. Therefore you are abusive and manipulative,’ Teka, teka, teka.”

How to know if you’re being gaslighted

According to Tuazon, one sign of being gaslighted is when you start to doubt and no longer trust your own memory and your experience.

“Are you starting to doubt your own memory? Are you starting to doubt your own perception? Do you have thoughts of, ‘Am I being crazy? Am I just overreacting? Am I being jealous? Am I just being paranoid? Those are the questions people tend to have,” she said.

She added, “You question yourself. Parang suddenly your own eyes, your own memory, suddenly napaka-unreliable.”

To combat this, Santos suggested practicing the skill of fact-checking. If you’re going to call out your partner, Santos said to clarify the facts and be confident in your truth.

“So for example, you really saw them together. You say, 'I know what I saw. I saw you with this person at this place. Maybe this is cheating, maybe it's just not, but don't tell me I didn't see what I saw,'" Tuazon suggested. 

She added, “What are the facts that are indisputable? Did you actually see it or did a friend just tell you they saw your boyfriend? Because your boyfriend has deniability there, hearsay. So what's the irrefutable fact? What do I know for a fact? What am I sure of? And make sure you are not swayed from those facts.”

Tuazon also said we should be wary if the person has a consistent pattern of gaslighting as this is already in the realm of emotional abuse.

“They make you think you are the cheater even if you’re not doing anything [wrong]. They make you think talking to person of the opposite sex is cheating, so they stop you from having friends...Any relationship that makes you more isolated from other people, it cuts you off from other relationships, now that’s a big red flag and that’s not any worth repairing,” she said.

If we have loved ones who feel that they were made to question their own memories, Tuazon said it would be best to support and empower them.

“You know what you know. You saw what you saw. Nothing he or she will say will change that,” Tuazon said. — LA, GMA News