How to spot relationship red flags, according to Khalil Ramos and Gabbi Garcia

Before they found each other, Gabbi Garcia and Khalil Ramos experienced being in a toxic relationship. It's actually what they talked about in the latest episode of their podcast "Figure It Out."

While Gabbi shared that she became a jealous person after a former boyfriend cheated on her, Khalil said he experienced the worst years of his life stuck in a toxic relationship, with a partner who was involved with other men.

Sharing their own insights, Khalil and Gabbi enumerated several red flags that should alert in your own relationships:

1. Controlling the other person. For Khalil, a sense of control between one person to another is a major sign of a toxic relationship.

“If mayroong sinusubukan to control emotions mo. Kumbaga hindi ina-acknowledge nararamdaman mo and imposing in whatever this person believes in kahit mali,” Khalil said.

[If the person is trying to control your emotions. The person doesn’t acknowledge what you’re feeling and is imposing whatever this person believes in even if it’s wrong.]

He added, “Close minded na tao na ayaw magpatalo, ayaw umintindi. For me that’s the first red flag.”

[This person is close minded and doesn’t want to lose, doesn’t want to understand. For me that’s the first red flag.]

Khalil also said that some relationships tend to have a dominant person controlling the other, or a party too nosy that respect is forgotten.

“It was either there was no respect to begin with from the get go or nawala ‘yung respeto. Doon na nagsisimula because if you don’t respect one another then you don’t trust one another,” Khalil said.

[It was either there was no respect to begin with from the get go or it was lost. That’s where it starts because if you don’t respect one another then you don’t trust one another.]

“And what’s the point of the relationship if there’s no trust?”

The couple shared that they’re not a “squeaky clean” couple. They’ve had their fights and go close to the line of toxicity but they somehow manage to remain self-aware and call out each other.

“Buti na lang we’re aware and we have a solid foundation so we go back when the devil is getting in the way. We pause and we really look back at the purpose of the relationship," Khalil said.

[It’s a good thing we’re aware and we have a solid foundation so we go back when the devil is getting in the way. We pause and we really look back at the purpose of the relationship.]

Gabbi admitted there were times when she was unaware that she was imposing certain things on Khalil but Khalil would call her out and say, “Whops. This is me not allowing you to control me.”

“Knowing each other, when to call out each other and accept when you're being called out, it’s better. It sends a signal that you guys aren’t toxic because you deal with it,” Gabbi said. “That’s what I love about our relationship. We’re not afraid to sit down and deal with our relationship.”

2. Not communicating your feelings

According to Gabbi, one possible sign that a relationship is becoming toxic if you don’t communicate your feelings.

“For example, hindi mo gusto na pala ginagawa ng partner mo and you would just keep it to yourself and you don’t want to be open about it and you’re scared to let your partner know,” Gabbi said. “At first, hindi siya magiging toxic but it piles up.”

[For example, you don’t like what your partner is doing but you would just keep it to yourself and you don’t want to be open about it and you’re scared to let your partner know. At first, it won’t be toxic but it will pile up.]

At one point, you’ll blow up, said Gabbi, and every time you fight, you might keep going back to your hidden feelings.

“It’s gonna be toxic because everything that should be in the past will always appear in your current conversation and in your current arguments...If you do not settle your problems right there and then, it’s gonna be toxic kasi hindi mo na rin kinikilala partner mo and how your partner handles the emotions,” she said.

[It’s gonna be toxic because everything that should be in the past will always appear in your current conversation and in your current arguments...If you do not settle your problems right there and then, it’s gonna be toxic because you’re also not knowing your partner anymore and how your partner handles the emotions.]

She added, “Communication is important. If not, it will lead to toxic relationships.”

Khalil revealed that ever since they started their relationship, they’ve been crystal clear on where they want their relationship to go.

“Hindi dahil nagpapaka romantic ka pero we potentially have a partnership that we can cherish forever,” Khalil said.

[It’s not because you’re being romantic but we potentially have a partnership that we can cherish forever.]

He added, “If you’re at that phase na you’re questioning, you have to communicate it because it’s unfair if one has applied the mindset but the other is not on board pala because of, I don’t know, other interests, hindi pa siya ready mag-commit, ibig sabihin wag na muna kasi unfair kung pinatagal then sayang.”

[If you’re at that phase that you’re questioning, you have to communicate it because it’s unfair if one has applied the mindset but the other is not on board because of, I don’t know, other interests, they’re not yet ready to commit, then don’t do it yet because it’s unfair if you make it last longer. It will be a waste.]

3. No solid commitment

A key to a healthy relationship, Gabbi shared, is to have a solid commitment to each other and knowing what the relationship is all about.

“If gasgas na kaagad commitment niyo, di pa kayo kasal, ‘wag na. Don’t push it na,” Gabbi said.

[If the commitment is faulty when you’re not even married, don’t do it. Don’t push for it.]

She added, “Dapat nandoon ‘yung intent. It’s okay if hindi mo kaya, hindi pa ready, but your intent is pure kasi you know you want to commit. You can head there as long as willing ka, as long as the picture is clear for you, walang hidden agenda and pure intentions lang.

[The intent should be there. It’s okay if you can’t, you’re not ready, but your intent is pure because you know you want to commit. You can head there as long as you’re willing, as long as the picture is clear for you, there’s no hidden agenda and you just have pure intentions.]

4. Self-worth goes down

It’s also a red flag, the couple said, when your self-worth is getting affected.

“When you feel like you’re not worth it anymore, na, ‘Shucks. Wala na ‘yung self-worth ko,’ that’s a red flag,” Gabbi said. “For me, kailangan pagpasok mo ng relationship buo ka as a person so dapat mas magkakaroon pa ng second layer, may icing on top because of your relationship. Hindi ‘yung mababawasan ng isang slice.”

[For me, you should be a whole person when you enter a relationship so you should even have a second layer, an icing on top because of your relationship. You shouldnt’ be torn down and be reduced of a slice.]

“Because your feelings matter. Our mental health matters. Your worth matters,” they added.

If you find yourself in a toxic situation, Gabbi and Khalil advised that you take a step back and try to rethink everything.

If you really want to save it, Gabbi and Khalil said that it should not be at the expense of yourself.

“If you’re in a toxic relationship and you’re trying to save it, good for you. Ipaglaban mo if you think it’s worth fighting for but not to the extent that you’re going to damage yourself, that’s a no no,” Gabbi said.

[If you’re in a toxic relationship and you’re trying to save it, good for you. Fight for it if you think it’s worth fighting for but not to the extent that you’re going to damage yourself, that’s a no no.]

The couple added, “Sabi nga nila kung mahal mo, ipaglaban mo pero dapat mahal mo rin sarili mo (Like what they say, if you love them, fight for them, but you also should love yourself).”

From the start of the relationship, the couple advised others to set it already that the relationship won’t have any room for toxicity.

Now, as Gabbi and Khalil celebrate their fourth year together,  the two shared that at the beginning of their relationship, they made it clear that they wanted to be smart about it.

She said as early as 2017, “we knew we had a nice connection, a beautiful connection so we really didn’t want to waste it by being toxic.” — Kaela Malig/LA, GMA News