Understanding grief: Healing is not linear, and can take time

Grief is a universal experience, yet no two people go through it the same way. 

We often hear about the five stages of grief, first introduced by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — and think grief follows this neat sequence of events.

But in truth, grief doesn’t follow a straight line.

Healing is not linear

“Initially that's what people thought. Kailangan sundin mo. Mag-deny ka muna, magalit ka, mag-bargain ka, tapos mararamdaman mo yung sobrang level of distress until you accept it. But the reality is that hindi ito linear,” said Yeng Gatchalian, chief psychologist of Mind Care Center of Perpetual Help Medical Center - Las Piñas.

“It can always go back to one phase or the other kasi may kanya-kanya tayong processing ng emotions natin,” she tells GMA News Online in a virtual interview.

The mental health expert also explained that it's normal if your emotions change over time or if they don’t follow the stages as healing takes time.

“Very non-linear naman yung five stages Kübler-Ross. It takes time. At saka depende rin kasi yun talaga sa situation ng mismong taong nag-gigrieve," Gatchalian said.

So how do we really heal and grieve in a healthy way?

Talk about your feelings

Dr. Jon Edward B. Jurilla, from the Department of Psychiatry of Makati Medical Center (MakatiMed) said the first step of healing is “acknowledge your feelings.” 

“Talk about it. Whether with a close family member, a trusted confidant, a spiritual adviser, or a trained professional, saying your thoughts out loud can be cathartic,” he said, adding that talking about your pain and grief helps you process your reality. 

According to Gatchalian, “when you talk about it, you process reality."

"Kapag na-bi-verbalize mo siya kahit paano, yung brain mo, pinaprocess na ‘yun. Kaya every time you talk about it, nakakatulong ito kasi nagkakaroon tayo ng kahit paano self-processing which is very, very important,” she adds.

Besides, sharing your feelings with other people can make you feel that you are not alone in the healing process. 

“Iba kasi yun. You feel that somebody's there to listen to you. Hindi ka-isolated. Kaya ang laking bagay nito kasi narireduce yung feelings dahil may nakikinig sa'yo,” Gatchalian said.

Find another outlet

Finding alternative ways to express grief is a healthy coping strategy, Jurilla said. According to the psychiatrist, this can take the form of writing in a journal or taking long walks in nature.

“The quiet time could give you clarity,” he explained.

Gatchalian echoed Jurilla, saying writing in a journal can help you organize your thoughts. 

“For example, may mga questions ka pa, bakit ba ito nangyari? Pwede yung journal can be a letter to your loved one, yung mga ganoon,” the psychologist said. 

Creative outlets can be powerful tools for healing too, with Gatchalian saying it's "recognition that not everyone is okay to talk about their grief."

“Alam mo kasi pag nagdo-drawing ka, yung mga colors may mga effect yan sa'yo for some reason. Di ba? Tapos napaka-safe ng space kasi nare-release mo yung nararamdaman mo,” she added.

Listening to music, singing a song or dancing also helps improve one’s mood. 

“Listening to music — nakakatulong ito sa mood natin, di ba? And alam mo yung isa pa, dancing. Or at least movement. Kasi pag nagmo-move ka, nag-a-allow yung body mo na ma-release yung tension,” she noted, highlighting that “art is a powerful expression.” 

Moving your body — working out or going for walks — releases endorphins, helping alleviate the pain.

Endorphins are the hormones that act as painkillers. 

Have the right support system

Support systems such as family, friends, even support groups play a vital role in healing as they can fill the void and gaps in your life left by your loved ones. 

“Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. You can also find comfort in support groups whose members are going through a similar experience,” Jurilla shared. 

“[Support system] is super important kasi sila yung — ang tawag natin sa kanila na parang buffer sila doon sa pag-iisa mo. Kasi pag mayroon kang kasama, kang safety net. May nag-fill in ng gap na nawala dahil doon sa mahal mo sa buhay,” Gatchalian emphasized. 

Your support system can be a vital source of strength during difficult times. Gatchalian described them as your “emotional endorsement,” providing the love, understanding, and patience you need to cope.

“At saka pag mayroon kang continuous na support kasi parang ang pakiramdam mo parang hindi ka nag-iisa.” 

Take care of yourself

Grief can be physically and emotionally exhausting, so it is encouraged to eat and get enough sleep, per Jurilla. 

Echoing Jurilla, Gatchalian emphasized the importance of proper sleep, nutrition and hydration when coping with grief. 

Ideally, people should get around eight hours of sleep and avoid lying in bed for too long, as it can increase feelings of sadness and fatigue.

“Dapat eight hours lang talaga tulog natin. Pag naka-12 hours ka na, lalong bumabagsak yung energy mo. So halimbawa na nag-grieve ka tapos nag-oversleep ka, you will notice parang mas lalo kang malungkot. So people think 12 hours sleep or lying down is good. No, it's not good,” Gatchalian said.

She explained that both lack of sleep and oversleeping can worsen mood by lowering serotonin levels, the body’s natural mood regulator. 

“Ito yung mood regulator natin. Kapag humaba yung tulog mo more than eight hours, ang nangyayari kasi diyan nagde-deplete yung serotonin mo. So bumabagsak din yung mood mo. So the more na bumabagsak yung mood mo, parang ang bigat-bigat ng katawan mo, lalo mo ngayong naaabsorb yung sadness,” Gatchalian shared. 

She also advised having light meals at night, avoiding caffeine, alcohol, and sugary foods, and instead eating fruits and vegetables to keep the body balanced. Gentle physical activities like stretching or walking can help release tension and boost endorphins, improving mood.

Finally, Gatchalian reminds that grief produces stress hormones (cortisol), which can cause physical symptoms such as chest heaviness or shortness of breath even without a heart problem. To manage this, it’s important to rest well, eat healthily, drink plenty of water, and seek medical help if symptoms persist.

Keep something that will remind you of that person

Keeping a picture, a voice record or a piece of their clothing, helps you lessen the pain of losing them. 

“Saving a picture of that person on your phone or wallet or wearing a piece of jewelry or article of clothing that belonged to them can somehow feel like they’re still around. This softens the blow of your loss,” Jurilla shared.

According to Gatchalian, keeping their photographs or anything that will remind you of them, will make you feel that you are “still connected.” 

“Kaya mo nga siya na-mi-miis maybe because you’ve shared so many good memories. So pag nakikita mo yung pictures niya and then you feel comfortable nakikita mo siya. Somehow yung security rin na nandyan pa siya,” she shared.

While memories like these may bring tears, they also remind you of the joy and love you once shared with that person.

“Although sa totoo lang, nakakaiyak yan minsan. Pero kasi yung pag-iyak hindi naman siya laging negative na parang ayaw mo kaya ka naiiyak. Di ba sabi nga doon sa movie na ‘Inside Out,’ loneliness is recognition of joy. Kaya ka nalungkot kasi alam mong naging masaya kayo. At wala na yung source ng saya na yun,” Gatchalian explained.

“So kapag halimbawa nakita mo yung photo, narinig mo yung boses, parang ang lungkot. Pero kasi at some point, yung boses na yan, yan yung nagpasaya sa'yo. At wala nating siya ngayon. Kaya ka nalulungkot. Hindi natin kailangang i-deny yung lungkot na yun,” she sadded. 

Revisit their memory

To some, revisiting their memories with their departed loved ones can be a little bit painful, but for Jurilla and Gatchalian, it can actually help you from grieving and healing. 

“Recalling happy memories, funny anecdotes, and quirks that made you love this person will give you a respite from all the tears,” Jurilla said. 

“Malaking pagtulong ‘yung pag-revisit kasi nire-rekindle mo yung happy moments niyo,” she added. 

Healing takes time

Grieving has no shortcut and everyone heals at their own pace. Telling someone to “move on” can invalidate their feelings, as sadness is a natural part of loss.

“Mahilig tayo magsabi na move on ka na. Oo po, pero mahirap eh. May kanya-kanya tayong moving on, di ba? So pabayaan natin sila. Wala namang shortcut for grieving eh, di ba? As long as that person can actually still function,” Gatchalian shared. 

“Grieving is like a wave. Yung parang you are actually functioning, nakakagalaw ka naman. Sabi nga nila, hindi mo naman maaalis talaga yung lungkot every time you think of that person. So okay lang yan. May mga times na iiyak ka, okay lang yan,” she said. 

Jurilla also emphasized the importance of taking things slowly. 

“Grieving is a natural process, and whatever you’re feeling is totally valid.  Eventually, as time passes and your sadness slowly gives way to a calm acceptance, that doesn’t mean you love the person or thing you lost any less,” he said.

“It simply means that they live on in your memories and in your heart.” 

In the end, grief doesn’t mean closing a chapter, it means learning to live with love and loss side by side. — LA, GMA Integrated News