How do we comfort a grieving friend? Expert answers

When someone we care about loses a loved one, our first instinct is usually to say something comforting or, worse, give advice.

But according to Yeng Gatchalian, the chief psychologist at Mind Care Center of Perpetual Help Medical Center - Las Piñas, the best kind of comfort does not always come in the form of words.

It can come in small gestures or in one's presence by simply being there for the person. 

Think twice about giving advice 

Some of us rush to say things when a friend is grieving, offering advice like, “Be strong,” “Move on,” or “At least they’re in a better place.” But these phrases, though well-intentioned, can come off as dismissive.

“Wag kang advice nang advice. Basta iwasan natin 'yun. Iwasan natin 'yung dikta nang dikta,” Gatchalian shared to GMA News Online.

“Unang-una, when you lose a person, it's actually not a problem. Hindi siya problema. Kaya hindi niya kailangan ng solusyon. Ang kailangan ng taong ito, validation at assurance na nandiyan ka para sa kaniya." 

Validation means recognizing that their emotions are real and that their sadness is justified. It is not about solving a problem, but about making them feel heard and supported.

Give space and listen

Grieving people do not need lectures. They need space to cry, vent, and process their emotions in their own time.

“Unang-unang magulo isip [niyan], malungkot. Hindi 'yan ma-absorb lahat ng sinasabi mo. So, huwag na muna tayo mag-advice,” Gatchalian said. 

“'Pag umiyak siya, bigyan mo siya ng space. Hayaan mo siyang umiyak. Pag nagkuwento siya, makinig ka lang. Bigyan mo tissue." 

Listening silently and patiently can be more healing than any advice. Sometimes, the quiet presence of a friend who just listens is the greatest comfort there is.

“Alam mo kasi 'yung presence mo, malaking bagay siya. Pwede ito makakatulong na mag-secrete ng oxytocin sa taong ito, 'yung oxytocin kasi love hormone 'yun eh, so kapag may kasama siya, may warm body, ganiyan. So hindi mo kailangan maging verbal all the time,” Gatchalian shared.

“'Yung simpleng pagbibigay ng notes, o di kaya 'yung across the table, titignan mo siya, gano'n ka lang. So hindi mo kailangan maging verbal all the time. Simpleng ngiti, ganiyan. Kaya, if allowed, you can actually hug the person kasi nagpoproduce din 'yan na oxytocin sa yakap mo. Nakakatulong kasi 'yan para gumaan ang pakiramdam natin,” she added.

Small gestures, big impact

Comfort doesn’t always have to be emotional or verbal, either. Simple acts of kindness and service can mean the world to someone who is grieving.

Instead of saying “If you need anything, just call me,” which puts pressure on the person to reach out, try being more specific.

“Kapag nasa grocery ka, pwede mong i-text ‘yung friend mo ‘May ulam ka pa d’yan? Punta ako mamaya, dala akong food.’ Or send a message like, ‘Thinking of you today. Kumain ka na ba?’” the psychologist suggested. 

These gestures, though small, tell your friend that they are not alone without forcing them to talk or make an effort.

Avoid 'silver lining' talk

It can also be tempting to comfort someone by comparing experiences or pointing out the "bright side" of a situation, but Gatchalian warned against this.

“Huwag tayong mahilig sa mga silver lining phrases. 'Look on the bright side.' ‘Yung pag-compare natin. 'Ganiyan-ganiyan din 'yung naramdaman ko.' It's not about you, it's about that person,” she explained. 

Gatchalian also advised avoiding asking “Nalulungkot ka pa rin ba hanggang ngayon?” because grief has no deadline and each person moves at their own pace.

Don't try to fix the pain

The psychologist emphasized that when comforting someone who is grieving, your role is not to fix their pain or make them feel instantly better.

Grief is not something that can be solved or erased, after all, but something that needs to be felt and processed.

“You're not there to remove the pain. All they need is to have somebody to listen to them if they need to talk. All they need is oxytocin.  'Yung hawak sa kamay if allowed. Yakap if allowed. 'Yung nandiyan ka lang. 'Yung navalidate mo lang 'yung pain niya,” Gatchalian noted.

What grieving people truly need, she explained, is presence, empathy, and validation. Simply being there, listening without judgment, and acknowledging their pain, such as saying things like “Masakit talaga ‘yan,” can already mean a lot.

She also reminded people not to feel frustrated if their grieving friend is still sad after talking. 

“Don’t expect to be that person's clown,” she said.

True comfort doesn’t come from taking away the sadness but from letting the person know that they are not alone. Even the smallest act of care, whether or not it’s acknowledged, can already have a healing effect.

—CDC, GMA Integrated News