Love languages: How important are they in making relationships work?

Love is universal yet how it is spoken, felt, and sustained is deeply personal. 

For some, love sounds like “I'm proud of you.” For others, it comes in a packed lunch prepared before sunrise, a hand held in silence, a thoughtful gift, or an undivided time after a long day. 

This is where the idea of love languages comes in, not as a rulebook for couples, but as a guide to understanding how people give and receive love in ways that truly matter to them.

Introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992, the concept of love languages suggests that people have preferred ways of expressing and receiving love: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gift-giving. 

Originally, Chapman proposed that people tend to give love the same way they wish to receive.

In an interview with GMA News Online, relationship coach Alicia Serrano compared Chapman’s concept of love languages to speaking one’s "mother tongue."

“With the concept of language — [it's] my mother tongue or my lingua franca in terms of love. So if you speak, let’s say, Filipino, that’s how you receive it. That’s how you express it as well,” she explained.

But in real life, love is rarely that simple.

Love Languages in Practice: Not One-Size-Fits-All

According to Serrano, in clinical practice and everyday relationships, love languages often show more flexibility than the original theory suggests. 

Some people express love one way but long to receive it another. Others find that their preferences shift as they grow, mature, and experience different seasons of life.

"Originally, it was meant to imply na parehas yung preferred way of receiving and expressing," the practitioner explained. 

"But in practice, may flexibility ‘yan. You don't have to fit yourself in a box naman if you find yourself having two different languages that you prefer to receive in and express," she said.

Socialization also plays a major role. For example, many men grow up discouraged from verbal affection even if they crave words of affirmation.

"Just because socially, they're not really encouraged to do so. So, parang may shaping na nangyayari with how we express it. So, there's a lot of factors there," Serrano said.

Rather than treating love languages as strict labels, the expert emphasized to look for the best love language that will work for you and your partner. 

"I wouldn't recommend taking it and really being strict about it,” Serrano said. "If you happen to notice na may pagkakaiba, I think it's always helpful to see what works for you. And if it doesn't, then you can always modify it in one way naman,” she added.

Gen Z Love: Assurance, Presence, and Emotional Awareness

For Angelo and Vannette, a Gen Z couple together for one year and nine months, love languages are lived out in everyday intimacy.

According to Vannette, love language is how you communicate your love to someone and vice versa."

She jokes about sending reels as a form of affection, but admits physical touch plays a central role.

“I’m clingy, and sometimes a hug says more than words,” she admitted. 

Still, reassurance matters most to her. “Among the five love languages, I want to receive words of affirmation the most. I need to hear it.”

Angelo expresses love through presence and effort. He leans toward acts of service and quality time — listening, helping in small ways, and being emotionally present.

“As our relationship grew deeper, I learned to value presence, understanding, and consistent effort more than material expressions of love,” Angelo said.

Their experience reflects Serrano’s observation that love languages don’t necessarily change, but develop and evolve over time.

“I think with time, you learn more about yourself and you learn more about relationships and how they work. You're gonna have a lot of different experiences. And that would shape what would be important and what you would value,” Serrano said.

“I think there is growth there and realizing what's actually important for you. So, you're still in the process of elimination or really identifying what would work for you,” the love coach added. 

Long-Term Love: Quiet Devotion and Consistency

In long-term relationships, the challenge isn’t discovering love languages once. It’s staying fluent.

For Elpidio and Charito, who have been married for 29 years, love is quiet, steady, and woven into the small acts of everyday life.

“Love is not measured by gifts alone,” Charito said. “But by acts of service.” 

The homemaker shows her love through the rhythm of daily care such as managing the home, preparing meals, and looking after her husband, a soldier who was often deployed. 

“When he arrives home, he eats and rests. I handle the household responsibilities,” she explains, adding she doesn’t need extravagance to feel loved. 

“I am not someone who looks for gifts from my husband. His time and attention toward me and our children are more than enough. He never neglects us and consistently reminds us that we matter to him,” Charito added.

Elpidio, in turn, feels his love through his wife’s quiet devotion. 

“Love language means meeting the needs of my wife and children and standing by them with constant support,” he told GMA News Online. 

Small gestures such as “waking up early to cook meals and prepare everything I need” speak volumes. 

According to Serrano, love languages in long-term partnerships don’t necessarily change, but they do require attention, fluency, and intention.

“The honeymoon phase is gonna end at some point so you need to be consistent so that hindi malaki 'yung drop from the butterflies, from the novelty of things,” Serrano explained.

“You need to learn and be good at it at some point. You don't need to expect yourself to be an expert right away,” she added.

Long-term love demands effort, especially on days when it’s easier to retreat into your own routines. 

“You don’t have to be an expert right away,” Serrano emphasized, “but you really need to learn your partner.” 

The language of love requires practice. Without it, fluency fades and over time because the ways we give and receive love may evolve. 

Quality time, physical touch, or words of affirmation may look very different than they did when a relationship was new, reflecting the partner’s current needs rather than their past self.

“Your partner is your favorite subject. You have to study them, observe them, and choose to understand them every day,” Serrano said. 

At the heart of it, long-term love is a daily choice, a conscious decision to speak your partner’s language, even when it would be easier not to. 

For couples like Elpidio and Charito, that choice has made all the difference, turning decades of quiet care into a love story that endures.

Love Across Cultures: Adapting and Choosing Each Other

For interracial couple Fernando and Sasha, together for 17 months, love has been a journey of learning, adapting, and discovering each other across cultural lines.

“Love language is how a person expresses and receives love,” said Fernando, who naturally shows love through acts of service.

Sasha meanwhile expresses hers through physical affection; hugs, kisses, and small gestures of touch. 

Over time, they learned to adapt to each other’s ways. 

“He does a lot for me—cooking, driving, picking me up from work,” Sasha said. “In return, I learned to do acts of service for him too.”

But not everything comes easily. Words of affirmation remain challenging for both. 

“We’re more comfortable showing love through actions than expressing it verbally,” they admitted. 

Despite differences in communication and cultural backgrounds, they have found common ground. 

“What brings us together is how much our love languages overlap,” they said. For them, food is love, family is central, and effort keeps them connected.

Their experience reflects exactly what Serrano emphasized about understanding a partner’s love language. 

One of the simplest and most effective ways, she says, is to ask directly—a gesture that shows genuine interest and care rather than uncertainty or guesswork. 

“Asking is such a helpful thing, and it shows interest in who your partner is and what they know about each other and in knowing about them,” Serrano said.

But understanding love languages must go beyond asking questions. Observation is equally important. 

“What does your partner do to express their care and their love for you?” she asked, pointing out that these everyday actions often reveal how they want to be loved in return. 

Clear communication is also key. 

“It’s good to clarify rin. Sometimes it's different how people express their love and how they prefer to receive it.”

Rather than approaching it like a test, Serrano brings up curiosity. Asking questions like, “How could I improve as a partner to you?” or “How can I make you feel loved?” opens the door to deeper understanding and can reveal far more about a partner’s love language than labels ever could.

In Fernando and Sasha’s case, combining observation, adaptation, and intentional conversation has allowed them to create a shared language of love—one that transcends cultural differences and strengthens their connection.

Knowing Your Own Love Language

Aside from understanding your partner’s love language, identifying your own matters just as much. After all, how can your needs be met if you don’t know what truly makes you feel loved?

So, how do you figure it out? It starts with noticing what matters most emotionally.

"If you remove that specific love language, would it matter to you? Like for example, kung hindi ka nabigyan ng gift sa anniversary na partner niya, would that matter? Or is it important na you set aside time para mag-date kayo?" She asked.

"It's taking a look at what you emotionally respond to the most. So, yun yung isa sa mga paraan kung paano natin ma-identify sa sarili natin," Serrano added. 

Per Serrano, identifying one’s love language often begins with reflecting on what a person looks for in an ideal partner. 

This includes the behaviors and traits that make one feel most cared for, whether it is having a partner who helps at home and prepares meals, offering a sense of comfort after a long day, or simply being someone to talk to and share hobbies with.

"It's taking a look at ano ba yung pinakaimportant facets na hinahanap mo sa tao? Because there are going to be some things that you would really look for, you would really ask for,” she shared.

“Kung magkaiba ma — yung expressed love language — it's taking a look at naturally what you want to do for your partner. Yung you're not forced to do it. You just find yourself doing it. Yung happy ka na ginagawa mo yun without prompting,” Serrano added.

When Love Languages Are Not Being Met

Serrano described love languages as having different emotional “weights” and “values.” 

“Para siyang exam: Alin doon yung worth 10 points? Alin doon yung worth 5 points? Alin doon yung worth 0.5 points lang? So, your main love language would be the one that if they do that thing, it has so much weight, it has so much value,” she said.

When a love language is unmet, the effects are often subtle but persistent.

“You will notice it and you're not gonna feel connected to that person, you're gonna feel distant, you're not gonna feel wanted or appreciated because they're not doing the thing that you're looking for, the thing that matters to you,” she emphasized. 

“So, yeah, feelings of disconnection, lack of love, lack of feeling appreciated, or yung sense na may kulang.”

She underscored that mismatched love languages can strain a relationship, especially when partners feel their needs aren’t being me. 

“If you aren't getting your needs met in that way, kung hindi siya nag-register to you as a way of being loved, it's really gonna break a relationship,” she emphasized. 

However, she clarified that differences don’t automatically spell failure, as long as both partners are willing to learn, practice, and adapt to how the other wants to be loved.

“But also hindi dahil at the start, may language barrier, hindi ibig sabihin ay doomed na yung relationship. I think it's a matter of, are they willing to learn? Are they willing to practice? Are they willing to get fluent at how you prefer to be loved?” 

Ultimately, without mutual effort and the desire to grow together, she said, the relationship is unlikely to work out.

“And vice versa, do you also recognize their love language? Would there be equal levels of adapting and learning and growing? But if there aren't, kung walang desire to work on it or to fix the concern, then of course the relationship is not gonna work out.” 

Love as a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

One of the most common misunderstandings about love languages is the belief that difference equals incompatibility.

As Serrano explained, “Magkaiba yung love language namin, hindi ’to magwo-work” is a conclusion many couples jump to too quickly.

“I think it's rooted in the idea that the perfect partner would come to you as ready-made. You don't need to work at anything. You don't need to talk about anything. And that's just not true,” she noted. 

But the core message of love languages, according to Serrano, pushes back against this mindset.

"Love is a choice. So it's always your choice to speak that language that your partner would understand,” she explained. 

According to her, it is a conscious decision to speak a language your partner understands, even when it needs to be learned. 

Love Languages, Trust, and Resilience

Consistently speaking a partner’s love language builds trust on multiple levels.

“That's a big thing. I think part of it would be, you would learn what your partner is willing to do for you, and what they remember,” Serrano shared. 

It also gives assurance to a person that their partner is gonna stand by them and won’t do thing that might hurt them.

“There's also a level of trust where you would know that person is gonna stand by you, that that person is not gonna betray you,” she noted.

“Bethey are consistent with that, of course you expect them to, or you would see them as someone who wouldn't do something to hurt you, nthey have your best interest at heart, and they're committed to that.” 

Feeling loved also strengthens people during stress, illness, and major life changes.

“That’s what love language is all about. It really boosts your capacity to do other things, to overcome stress, to heal from illness, because you would know that someone's taking care of you, that someone is making the choice to be there for you,” Serrano emphasized.

“If your partner's there loving you, there's a lot that you are capable of overcoming, or you feel more empowered to overcome,” she added.

At its core, love language is not about perfection.

It is about choice. Choosing to listen.  Choosing to adjust. Choosing to love in ways that are understood. Because love, in the end, is not just something we feel.

It is something we practice every single day. — LA, GMA Integrated News