Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon just doesn't fly

As with many things in today's entertainment industry, style wins over substance. The pretty girl with smashing legs and remarkable cleavage wins a rabid fan base without having to sing well. The handsome man with a crazy cut body and a jawline chiseled enough for cheese-cutting rakes in the moolah even if he can't act his way out of a paper bag. The movie with a bunch of robots who blow up stuff becomes a hit without the benefit of a plausible plot. Plot? Story? Ha! Who cares about all that stuff as long as we get to see stuff blown up! Style over substance — it’s a mark of these sad, degenerate times. At the premiere of Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon at the SM Mall of Asia on Tuesday, Solar Entertainment honcho Wilson Tieng informed everyone that we would be among the first in the world to view the much hyped movie premiere. It was rather like being the first Chinese tribes to be invaded by marauding Mongolians. Quite the honor to be sure, but I doubt they enjoyed it. Forgive me for being underwhelmed. Suspended disbelief is key to any Hollywood escapist flick, especially the ones targeted at ‘80s geeks like me. Heck, Dark Side of The Moon clocked in at over two hours, and it hardly made a dent in my disbelief. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve long been a fan of the Transformers. Much as it gives away my age, I must admit seeing the first Transformers movie, the animated one, back in the ‘80s. Indeed, I’m not ashamed to admit shedding tears over the thought that Optimus Prime had died in that cartoon flick. (Optimus didn’t die, of course. Relax.)

Having established that I’m a geek predisposed towards liking Hollywood drivel, I must also let the chips fall where they may and say… Whew, no wonder Megan Fox pulled out! Beef number one: Megatron is not supposed to be a plane. In the original animated series, Megatron was a giant gun who transformed into a robot. (Of course, the idea of a giant gun/robot is really rather silly but what the heck, it was the ‘80s. It wasn’t supposed to make sense; look at what we wore back then!) Of course, this beef is not leveled at this latest Transformers installment but at all three of the Michael Bay-helmed Transformers flicks. Lemme say it again, in large letters: MEGATRON WAS A GUN, NOT A PLANE. Don’t mess with the fond nostalgic memories of a guy pushing forty! Beef number two: Where was Megan Fox? C’mon, let’s be honest. No one watches Hollywood action flicks for their cinematic artistry. We watch escapist drivel for the explosions, the fight scenes, and the hot babes with almost zero clothing. Why did any of us enjoy the first two Transformers flicks? Ok, I’ll just put it right out there. I watched the first two installments because: one, robots are cool; and two, Megan Fox is eye candy. And truth be told, my fondest memories of the first two installments involve images of Megan Fox in skanky apparel. So where was the Megan Fox fix? Michael Bay, dear sir, if mess with nostalgic high school memories you must, the least you could do is allow us our Megan moments. Again, it’s about demographics. Who is the core target market of a movie such as this? Pubescent boys from 13 to 45, of course! Take Megan Fox away and prepare for severely disappointed fan boys. (But hey, let’s be fair. The grapevine has it that Megan Fox had to be left out due to her comments comparing Michael Bay to Hitler. Anyone would have dismissed her.) Ok, so Megan Fox isn’t included in this latest installment. Ok, so let’s pretend I’m over it. The least the movie could’ve done was have really cool robots, right? This brings us to… Beef number three: it would be nice to tell one robot from another. One robot looked just like the next, especially in the hectic cinematographic style that is a Michael Bay hallmark. When the robots start fighting, good luck telling one from the other! When the alien steel starts flying, Sentinel Prime looks like Optimus Prime. Ironhide looks like Ratchet. Sideswipe looks like Dino... Starscream looks like Megatron. Wheelie looks like Brains. All the Wreckers looked alike. See? Now even you’re confused! Me too. Watching Transformers: The Dark Side of The Moon was like being a Caucasian redneck at a hip-hop concert in Harlem. The trouble with you robots… y’all look alike to me. As mentioned earlier, this movie buff has been an avid consumer of crass commercial crud long enough to have low expectations. When I go see a robot movie, I really don’t expect Kurosawa. Really! But it would be nice to see a movie whose plot lines are not quite as threadbare as this. Check it out: A spaceship from the planet Cybertron lands on the moon sometime in the ‘60s. This triggers the American Apollo moon program, and Neil Armstrong et al eventually become accomplices to the stereotypical cloak & dagger of fictional White House machinations. Alien technology is thus captured and used by the Americans. But the Russians have their finger in the pie too. At some point, the alien technology of Energon cubes somehow triggers the Chernobyl incident. Right. Uhhh… maybe you shouldn’t have drunk the Kool Aid there, pal. This is why women roll their eyes at guy flicks! This fusion of historical fact with Hollywood fiction works when it’s done cleverly, as in Forrest Gump. In Dark Side of The Moon, it just doesn’t fly. It comes across as a sad attempt at cleverness. It would be like, say, Lady Gaga attempting to sing a Verdi aria. No, no, no, dear God, no! Ok, let’s be fair. The effects were cool. The sounds of the robots were rad. The soundtrack was hip in a rap-rock sort of way. John Turturro and Shia LaBeouf both did a credible job, especially given the paucity of the material they had to work with. Bumblebee was endearing, as always. And Optimus Prime was his usual awe-inspiring self. But really… millions of dollars spent for a movie like this? And Megan Fox isn’t in it? Words fail. Yeesh! – YA, GMA News All photos courtesy of Solar Entertainment.