The true costs, and rewards, of motherhood

Recently, I read a study of how highly skilled and highly educated women could lose up to 24 per cent of their lifetime earnings once they have children. The study listed down three options for women who want to have children and minimize their income loss at the same time: 1) have children while they’re really young, when their income is still low 2) postpone motherhood as late as possible, and 3) go back to work as soon as they are physically able to do so. As I was reading this study, the right side of my brain could see how all of this made sense, but as a mother I was very hurt. The study went on and on about how motherhood becomes an economic loss, which really upset me because of the way it undervalues motherhood in our society. You can see it everywhere: we pay our yayas the minimum wage because we think child-rearing is beneath our pay grade, and most mothers are forced to go back to work way before they are ready to let go of their children and vice versa.

The report affected me so much because I’m exactly the type of woman described in the study. I was at my earning prime when I had my baby, and I chose to become a stay-at-home mother rather than go back to work. My decision has taken a hit on our finances, and I felt how my family and friends were so disappointed in me when I decided to become a full-time mom. My own mother was so distressed that she went on to tell me, “di kita pinag-aral ng college para maging housewife." Well, I certainly didn’t go to college just so I can become a housewife. I didn’t work 14-hour workdays seven days a week building my career just so I could be a full-time mom. But life happened and I was forced to make a decision. I didn’t have a yaya and couldn’t afford one. There was no one in my family or in my husband’s extended family who was willing or able to serve as my baby’s caregiver for free. After a lot of thought and reflection, I decided to go against convention and became a full-time mom. Fortunately, I’m not alone. I have women-friends who are also highly skilled, and ambitious who have made this unpopular choice, and I often ask them for advice and support. There’s Dr. Romelei Camiling-Alfonso, a former Doctor to the Barrios, who had plans to do her residency. “My life was turned upside down when I suddenly got pregnant. But once I had Caleb I knew I had to become a full-time mother and those plans would definitely have to wait." Colyn Mamburan was a physics and chemistry high school teacher when she had her son Carl. “Long before I got married, I already decided that I’m going to be a full-time mother someday. Having been brought up by a full-time mother, I had first-hand experience of how it is to be raised by a mother who was there for me 24/7. We had no helpers when we were growing up so I am not comfortable with having strangers (as stay-in helpers) in the house. And I could not bear the thought of having someone else, especially a stranger, take care of my child while I am away." We’ve all taken a hit financially and that’s something that everyone can see. What most people don’t see, however, is the economic value that we’ve given to our children’s future and to society in general. Here are a few things that this study about the economic loss of motherhood has forgotten to take into account.

Having children while you’re really young adds an economic burden on your parents. I would not have been able to afford to pay my hospital bills and take care of a baby on the income that I had in my early 20s; I would have had to completely depend on my mother or on my husband’s parents for financial support. Most of our parents only have a decade of earning years left on them and they need to save for their retirement. When I had my baby, I was financially able to take care of myself and I still have decades left to earn money and save for my retirement.

Postponing motherhood as late as possible has its own economic cost. Being a mom is a lot of fun, but it also requires a lot of strength and stamina. If I had chosen to have a baby much later, I don’t think I’d be able to play and keep up with my rambunctious baby girl. And then there are the physical factors to consider: “Having a child when you’re older, like in your late 30s and 40s, has certain health risks for both the mother and child. It’s still possible to have a healthy pregnancy at those ages but the health risks are higher as opposed to getting pregnant in your 20s, when your body is at its prime," says Dr. Romelei.

Women are built for childbirth, but we’re not superwomen. According to Dr. Romelei, “It takes time for a woman’s body to recover from childbirth. Babies need to be exclusively breastfed for the first six months in order to receive the maximum health benefits. My obstetrician was happy to learn that I exclusively breastfed Caleb. Ironically, not many doctors are able to do this, despite the known benefits. They advice their patients to breastfeed exclusively, but their work demand does not allow them the luxury of breastfeeding their own." So why are we forcing mothers to go back to work after two months? No yaya, no matter how expensive she is, can provide these benefits. But things are looking up. Most countries in Europe give their mothers more than 8 weeks of maternity leave, some even lasting for a year. And there is a proposal in Congress (House Bill 3973) to increase the maternity leave from two months to four months.

Dr. Romelei Camiling-Alfonso with husband Arvin and son Caleb

A highly-skilled and highly-educated mother can provide the child with the best care possible. That’s a belief I share with Colyn, who says, “We can get a good yaya who can take good care of Carl, but the quality of care would never match the loving care that I give him. I always read up on various topics that would help me take even better care of Carl. I can closely monitor Carl’s development, I can teach him the right things at the right time, and as a more experienced mother told me, I don’t have to ‘debrief’ my son every time I come home from work. Of course, I can give very strict instructions to a yaya BUT applying what I learned firsthand is a whole lot different from ‘training’ a yaya." I mean no offense to mothers who have yayas, or those who have relatives that take care of their children. But I’ve seen how effective an intelligent and motivated mother can be. Dr. Romelei remembers how conscientious she was in preparing for her childbirth. “I regularly consulted with my med school professors on how to have a healthy pregnancy. I made sure all my baby’s things are safe and free from harmful chemicals. I don’t depend on tradition or 'sabi-sabi'. And I know exactly who I should call when I’m having problems with my child," she says.

Lastly, highly-educated mothers that come back to work are more efficient and more ambitious than other career women. There’s more at stake, so we work harder because we want to give our children more. We become more ambitious because we’re setting an example for our children and we want to show them good work ethics. We work more efficiently so we can spend quality time with our families. We’re not just working to build a career; we work to become role models that our children can follow in the future. I don’t think society can put a price on good child care, good health, or good role models. I’ll even go as far as saying that intelligent, full-time mothers like me have saved society a lot of money and a lot of grief. We keep our children healthy and happy, and we teach them the right values. What’s more, we still have enough stamina left to pursue our own dreams. Motherhood isn’t a waste. It’s a baptism of fire. It hurts like hell but we’ve become stronger and better because of it. And then again people may ask, is it worth it? Is our time with our families worth the lost career opportunities? I would be lying if I told you that we didn’t have any doubts. Dr. Romelei confessed that sometimes she envies her batch mates in med school. “They’re done with their residencies. And I do worry about being an older resident when I get back to work. But at the same time, my batch mates envy me because I’ve bonded with my son. They envy the fact that my son reaches for me and not for a yaya. They see how close we are and how deeply my husband, my baby, and I have bonded. Then I realized, I can always go back to work, but time lost with my baby is something that I can’t get back." For Colyn, what makes it all worthwhile is watching her son turn into a little gentleman. “My husband was concerned about my personal/career growth. I explained to him that family is much more important to me than a career. Carl is turning two this September and he now knows how to say ‘Thank you, Nanay’ and ‘I love you, Nanay’ in his own toddler speak. I’m there to witness every major and minor milestone, and it’s moments like these that make all the sacrifices my husband and I made worthwhile." My daughter is very precocious and she wears me down to the point of exhaustion. But every day, she surprises me when she takes my face with her small hands, kisses my face, looks me in the eye and talks to me. It’s mostly gibberish and I can’t understand most of what she’s saying. I’d like to think it’s her way of saying, “I love you, Mama! Thank you for being with me today." - YA, GMA News All photos courtesy of the author