To boldly go: Pleasurable moments at comic erotica event ‘Deus Sex Machina’

If laughter is the peak of pleasure, then I don't know how many times the crowd at Deus Sex Machina climaxed during the writers' fourth reading night. Well, as a Deus Sex Machina virgin, that experience was a memorable first time for me.

Organized by a group of "bored, horny" writers, Deus Sex Machina is a comedic erotica live reading show "where guests enjoy a good laugh about dangerous, dirty things in a safe, clean environment."  

Its fourth run at Route 196 on Katipunan Avenue in Quezon City brushed on a variety of daring topics including sexual anxieties, bestiality, fulfilling fantasies, and, um, Pokemon.

The night opened with the bold and unapologetic "Performance Anxiety Workshop" written and read by Dustin Celestino.

Narrating how he overcame his anxieties and became a sex god, Celestino likened his sex life to the 1993 American sports film "Rudy." The title character wanted to play intercollegiate football but the coach often told him he was too small for the rough game.

"I found myself in a situation where I tell the girl, 'Put me in there, I am ready,' but she would tell me 'No, you're too small. You're gonna get murdered in there,'" he said, which led him to rename his penis "Rudy."  

In the end, Rudy finally got a shot at football and earned the love and support of the audience. The same happened to Celestino's Rudy, "My penis can grant you eternal life. All my ex-girlfriends are immortal."

Ruining beloved fiction characters

After the titillating opening, the Deus Sex Machina audience were then treated to something closer to homebase with "Ang Mga Pagsubo ni Darna," written by Aya Tantiangco and read by Karen Mae de Vera.

For this piece, De Vera as Darna discussed the ups and downs of putting stuff inside her mouth.

"Kung napasubo ka na at 'di mo na kaya, 'wag kang mahihiyang iluwa," she said.

Later, she helped her younger brother Ding deal with his sexual confusion with the help of her serpent frenemies.

One of the "winners" at Deus Sex Machina 4 was Aldrich Alcantara's "The Birds and the Bees with Tarzan," which he read with Earle Figuracion.

Alcantara read the part of Tarzan's son, Jack, who was going through puberty and asked his father how he managed his urges when he was young. The next things I heard were what I called "consensual bestiality." Yes, all of his sexual acts with animals were done with permission, of course.

"If you are going to be king of the jungle, you have to show your dominance… The only way to do that is to make love to the best female of each species," Figuracion as Tarzan boasted.

He then recounted how he made love with different species—including bugs, snakes, birds, and octopus. Please do note that octopus has eight tentacles and humans have more than one hole, so...

At a point where everyone was shaking their head, Tarzan told his son, "Try it before you judge it, son!"

Yup, not judging you, Tarzan.

But really, I got to hand it to Figuracion for making this reading funnier (and creepier) with his conviction. For a moment, I thought the exchange was not fiction. Good job, or not.

After Alcantara took Tarzan's affinity for the jungle to a whole new level, it was Jose Anton Sison's turn to ruin another childhood favorite, Pokemon. I am glad I was not that much of a Pokemon fan because I think I can never look Pikachu the same way again.

What if the bad guys are able to make the trainers have sexual desires for their Pokemon? Everyone, this was the premise of "Horny Horny Hypno."

After areading that involved too much grunting, screaming, moaning, and groaning courtesy of Sison and his gang of talented readers, I learned that Pokemon moves like Thunder Shock and Rapid Spin can be used to help trainers satisfy their deepest, deepest desires.

Bless your soul, Sison.

The night's host, Kenneth Keng, also contributed to the success of Deus Sex Machina 4 with the Star Trek-themed "Not Too Soon: The Search for Spunk."

The story was set in a Holographic Environment Simulator or holodeck and, well... The next scenes included Jean-Luc Picard fulfilling his fantasies with the very willing James Kirk. But hooray for Keng for making things more interesting—an old Spock came into the picture and joined the two!  

As I laughed and cried and wondered why the universe allowed me to listen to all of these, the readers were already talking about Spock using the holodeck to scientifically create a dildo and taking his Vulcan ears to a place where they had never gone before.

Yay, holodeck saved the day.

Based on real events?

Philippine politics was also not spared from the creative juices of Deus Sex Machina 4's bored, horny writers. Denice de Guzman's "The Inexperience of Senator Nancy Buday" was set in a Senate hearing about sending inferior Filipino seamen abroad.

Here's an exchange between De Guzman's character Senate President Franklin Drill-on grilled and the shipping company's representative Janice Nip-less Lim:

Drill-on: "Ano ang posisyon mo?"
Lim: "Any position po."
Drill-on: "Ang ibig kong sabihin ang posisyon mo sa kumpanya."
Lim: "Ahhh. Minsan sa ibabaw ng mesa. Minsan sa board room. Minsan sa CR pero 'pag nagmamadali lang."

Drill-on then turned to Buday, who approved sending inferior seamen abroad, and asked her what was her experience with these seamen.

Buday said, "I [work] with my father when it comes to [sending] seamen [abroad]."

This line perhaps got the most violent reaction from the crowd.

The night ended with a big bang: thank you very much, GMA News Online's own TJ Dimacali, for "A Sexier History of Time."

Ever wondered how Stephen Hawking does it? Not even for one second, right? It may be beyond our day-to-day concerns, but Dimacali was kind enough to give us a glimpse of the theoretical physicist's sex life.

In his reading, Hawking gamely answered some of the most personal questions about his private affairs. When asked how he was able to get it up, he said he had a custom penis.

"I have a custom-made penis. Bill Gates wanted to do it, but I declined his offer. I don't want a dick that's micro-soft," Dimacali wrote.

Pause for applause please.

I can't remember how many times I shook my head and facepalmed that night or stood quietly while the rest laughed over a joke or two. But I have to admit this: I had fun.

Deus Sex Machina may have ruined some beloved children's stories and made them re-assess their love for their favorite fiction characters, but it made us all laugh.

For a first timer, listening to all of these "immature adult fiction" was uncomfortable at some point. But then, I guess it's better than talking about sex in hushed voices.  — BM, GMA News