How to overcome overbearing parents

Illustration: Jannielyn Ann Bigtas/GMA News

Because parents are always looking out for their children, setting boundaries with them — in terms of career choices, finances, and especially love life — can be challenging.

“Most parents are after the well-being of their children,” family and relationship consultant Aiza Tabayoyong of AMD Love Consultants told GMA News Online, adding this is why sometimes they go overboard.

In wanting to keep their children safe, some parents go overboard and unwittingly become “repressive or already in violation of their children’s rights.” 

In short, they become overbearing.

But what exactly is overbearing?

When parents don’t allow their children to make their own decisions, that’s already crossing the line. According to Tabayoyong, children, even at young ages, should be allowed to decide “with enough coaching and warning of possible consequences.”

“Parents don’t own their children,” Tabayoyong began, saying parents are really only “supposed to guide, set negotiated ground rules and not be controlling” of their children.

Though it always comes from good intentions, an overbearing parenting style is not good for kids. It can lead to a child “becoming resentful, rebellious, sneaky, dishonest, timid, and have low-confidence and incapacitated to make sound decisions.”

Furthermore, it’s “not beneficial to the health and harmony of the relationship within the family” especially when the child is already of age.

So how does one deal with overbearing parents?

Psychiatrist Dr. Bernadette Arcena said it is very important to have a heart-to-heart talk with one's parents about the issue.

"Try and try and try to communicate very well on anong gusto mong mangyari. 'Pag nakuha naman siya sa communication or makukuha naman sa nakikipag-bargaining kayo, bakit hindi, ‘di ba? Para naman ang endpoint du'n ay walang sama ng loob,” she said.

During these talks, individuals should make it clear to their parents that they are not kids anymore and that they can make their own decisions.

Tabayoyong recommended the same. “They should schedule a dialogue or a heart-to-heart talk with their parents. They can start by expressing how they feel about [the issue] of their significant other, their importance to them.”

“Make sure it includes as many details as possible, addressing probable concerns that the parent/s may have against the romantic interest," she added. 

To avoid coming off as disrespectful, a person should “try to stay in a peaceful and loving disposition, and understand where the parents are coming from,” that is, the parents always mean well, Tabayoyong said.

When the conversation and the emotions start to get too intense, Tabayoyong suggested that the person should ask for a postponement of the talk.

“That way, there will be less chance of showing disrespect and crossing boundaries," she said.

According to Tabayoyong, the person should also try to keep things civil between the parent and his/her significant other and "not force them to embrace the relationship right away."

"Neutral ground is the goal. It doesn't have to be positive, especially if it risks going to the negative and harming relationship even more," she said.

While Arcena advised that individuals must choose what makes them happy, they should also be prepared for the “possibility of after-effects” from their parents who might not be happy with their choices. Some of these may include having feelings of anger and bitterness, and feeling neglected or deceived — on the parents’ part.

Another psychiatrist, Trina de la Llana, said that choosing against his or her parents' will may result in the child getting ignored by his or her parents, receiving threats, or fighting with other family members.

De la Llana added that those of age must keep these in mind, as they ask themselves if s/he would be able to withstand all of these, and if his or her partner would be able to provide emotional support.

Tabayoyong advised individuals to help their parents by reassuring them that deciding for themselves to get married, for instance, doesn’t mean the individual “will stop being their child.”

“In fact it is a means [for] their child [to] grow their family and experience parenthood, just like them,” Tabayoyong continued. Helping parents understand the situation "may remove the focus on partner as a threat, and instead help the parents see the bigger picture," she added.

While Arcena reminded that the individual must always give careful thought and consideration before making a personal decision, the final decision always rests on the child, whatever the parents say.

“If the child would feel that they will be happy making that decision, do so. No blaming. No turning back. Just go go go. Kung nag-i-intervene pa rin ang parents, mas mahirap iyon. But for me, [you should] make decisions by yourself and take responsibility of it,” she added.

Remember, a child is “automatically emancipated at 18 years old,” Tabayoyong added.

What does this mean? It means “parents no longer have parental authority by them.” —LA/KG, GMA News