Chrissy Teigen narrates heartbreaking experience of losing their baby

Chrissy Teigen has broken her silence and narrated the heartbreaking experience of losing her baby in a miscarriage.

In an article posted on Medium on Wednesday, the actress shared: “I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”

At the start of October, Chrissy announced she and husband John Legend lost their third child in a miscarriage and posted a black and white photo of herself in tears on the hospital bed.

The actress said before the miscarriage, she was already on bed rest for over a month, “just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks.”

“My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I always had placenta problems,” she said.

Chrissy had to monitor her body closely as she continued to bleed.

“I was still seen by doctors at home, silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay,” she shared.

However, she revealed that her bleeding just got heavier and heavier.

“The fluid around Jack had become very low—he was barely able to float around,” the actress said. “After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming—it was time to say goodbye.”

She added: “He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either.”

Chrissy admitted to crying so much, her breath was “not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness.”

READ: Chrissy Teigen explains why she posted photos of when they lost their baby

She then shared that she wanted to wait until it was really over, until they absolutely knew “it was time, that they were suffering too much.”

Later that night, after seeing the amount of blood and clots, Chrissy said it was then she knew it was time.

“I laid there for hours, waiting to be told it was time to push. I obviously never had to dilate much, he was still a tiny little guy. I had been laying on my side, switching sides every hour or so, whenever the nurse told me to. I remember laying on my right side, looking opposite of John, when I was told to make my switch. I opened my legs and started to turn to face John and just like that, he was on his way out,” she said.

“He was out. My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer,” she added. “I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.”

 

 

 

 

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We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough. . . We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack - I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers. We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience. But everyday can’t be full of sunshine. On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it.

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on

Sep 30, 2020 at 8:58pm PDT

Now, she shared, his ashes are in a small box waiting to be buried “into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind.”

She shared, “People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”

Sometimes, she said, she would forget she’s no longer pregnant and unconsciously hold her belly.

“The clarity after these moments always make me sad,” she said. “But the moments of kindness have been nothing short of beautiful.”

Chrissy also shared that sometimes, strangers approached her with a note and even a checkout lady quietly added flowers to her cart.

“The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers. I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all,” she said.

“I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.” – Kaela Malig/RC, GMA News