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Mother's tragic loss of a child spreads into beautiful wings of love
In August 2014, Alessandra Atienza received a call from Manila. She had just finished an exhausting triathlon in Cebu. The minute she got the call, her instinct already told her that something was wrong.
Her second daughter Andy, 18, took her own life. She had been diagnosed with depression and had been going through therapy for it. The news was devastating, as it would be for any mother who had a child who was gone too soon.
Alessandra was an accomplished athlete who, like her brother Kim, had been joining grueling triathlons and marathons both here and abroad. She swam through the murky deep of Alcatraz during an island to island race.
The triumph of her will as a dedicated athlete would be used to one of the toughest trials of her life.
"I went through so much pain but it also gave me the push to realize that something must be done here. So, I just stayed put and went through the process of healing," she says. "I believe we've gone through the worst of times. Life has a weird way of turning grief into magical opportunities, of giving you gifts that I often think they're also being sent to us by my daughter."
Living through the crisis
Alessandra Atienza is the president and CEO of Eco Hotels, a chain of green hotels that has received distinctions for its sustainable practices. Her husband, Don Ramon Bagatsing is the Chairman and Chief Vibe Officer of their company. Both are passionate environmental and local tourism advocates.
In 2015, Alessandra and Don Ramon launched their first property in Tagaytay called the Cabins by Eco Hotel. Today, their passion has them acquiring a land bank of more than 200 hectares in 20 potentially high-growth areas—all considered prime tourist destinations in the Philippines. Eco Hotels, with their distinct vibrant architecture and modern amenities—with a hint of the area's local culture—are located nationwide in places like Manila, Caliraya, Batangas, Siargao, and El Nido, to name a few.
They established the country's first green hotel with inspiring practices like utilizing solar energy, water recycling, and upcycled furnishings, to name a few.
The year before, when her daughter passed away, Alessandra says that there was a lot of struggle that happened. During her early moments of grief, she recognizes the well-meaning thoughts of fellow mothers and friends who would relay their condolences.
"It was painful to hear that word, 'condolence.' I didn't even know what that really meant. But I also know that they were grieving with us," she says. "It was a mix of emotions. I was asking, not my child in particular, 'Why did you leave us?' 'Why did you run away?' 'We could have gone through this together.' I was so angry at the situation."
What helped, she says, is that they went through it together. Their blended family, which included Alessandra's daughter Alex and son Enrique, and Don Ramon's three boys, kept their connections tight.
"Wherever one went, we all went with that person, too. No leaving each other behind," she says, "Alex also had good friends who became her support group. And Don Ramon, for me, became an important presence. If it it weren't for him, I wouldn't have managed my sadness this too well."
Alex, who was very close to her sister, shares, "I didn't talk much to anyone else about what I was going through except my mom because we're the only two persons who really knew my sister well. That's when I also became closer to my mom as we went through this together."
"I guess you'll never really get over it but the memories I have of my sister, the fun times, will remain in me. Just waking up each day is the bare minimum. Take care of yourself, don't forget to take your meds if you've been prescribed with one, and take coffee. Just live it one day at a time," adds Alex.
Alessandra and Alex also sought professional counselling to help them further process their thoughts and make sense of their experience.
She remembers part of coping with her grief was doing physical movements, which helped momentarily take her mind off her child and sadness. "My husband and I would do long out-of-town drives. Movement helped a lot. We ran long distances, too.
Alessandra also took up painting as part of her healing. The dragonfly became an important symbol for her as it was the winged insect that seemed to knock on her window on her birthday, the year Andy left.
"The dragonfly was just knocking on my window as if it wanted to come in," she narrates. "Also, on the day that my daughter passed away, the neighborhood had a swarm of dragonflies in the air. And whenever I'd wish for something or need to make a decision, a dragonfly seems to just show up.
"It's been my symbol for my daughter ever since. It's a reminder of her life and that she'll always be with us," Alessandra says.
In all Eco Hotels, her colorful and joyful paintings, including her dragonfly series can be spotted. Incidentally, in many cultures, the dragonfly is considered a symbol of happiness, new beginnings, hope and love.
Looking back at it now, it was her inner rage that became the dark void in her being. "I knew I was angry and that took a lot of time to process. More than the guilt, I was angry. Reading and listening to podcasts helped to get my anger out."
"I listened to any random podcast that talked about forgiveness. Or, even a random song that had the word forgiveness. When you're angry, you don't think about forgiveness at all—it's like you're just convincing yourself to open up your mind to forgive."
Forgiveness is an inward act
Time truly has a way of moving even the most intense thoughts and feelings to heal and soften hearts—if one desired it. And so, she says, "One day, I just learned how to forgive the people that surrounded my daughter. I was angry at the environment because people had no idea what she was really going through and I felt they only ignited her struggles to turn into the perfect storm."
Her act of forgiveness unfolded internally. "I didn't need to see them. It just had to be me. My conversations on forgiveness was with me. Besides, they didn't even know that I was angry at them. Anger was brewing within me so I was able to get rid of that dark cloud above me by releasing my forgiveness.
"But it also doesn't mean, I'll be reaching out to them and tell them how I felt. I also realize that part of coping is protecting myself. I have also developed an understanding and the knowledge of where they were coming from at the time, which also became part of my process.
"Forgiveness is empathy. Understanding and know where people are coming from and realizing they may have not acted intentionally to hurt but they may also be hurting inside. They may not know they're passing their pain to you."
Sunday as family day
These days, Sundays remain an important day for the Atienza-Bagatsing household. Alessandra cooks up comfort dishes for all the children "to make sure they come home." Usually, meals start with a grazing board consisting of cheese and fruits. Lots of seafood, especially crabs, is the hearty main course.
Alex is now 28 and engaged. Her brother Enrique is now 19. Then, of course, they are also joined by their three stepbrothers during these cherished bonding moments.
As a mother, Alessandra believes that each child is unique and parents should raise them according to their individual needs and capacities. And that one's relationship with her kids isn't static but always changing as they go through their personal phases.
Her relationship with Alex, for instance, is wonderfully evolving through time. "I learned that our relationship became deeper when I became more of a friend than a mother. To be a friend who can understand her, someone she can cry to and cry with together. That's how we get to understand each other. And Alex, on the other hand, doesn't have to follow what I say. I can only give advice but it's up to her to follow them. The same is true for the rest of the kids, the boys, it's up to them to decide. My only rule is to do their best and don't hurt other people."
Strength of motherhood
Alessandra has gone this beautifully far in her journey as a mom. The story she generously shares, she says, is part of what makes her stronger for herself and her family.
"I believe I'm strong and opinionated. I think when you've given birth, you are strong. I have a high tolerance for pain, which helps me through moments when I'm about to break down. But I'm not perfect. I'm not here to influence but to share what I know from my experiences."
For Alessandra, each day is a gift to savor life and to do good. But not without remembering her daughter Andy, whom she continues to keep close to her heart. "The gift of motherhood, I think, is realizing we have a purpose. Motherhood has taught me selflessness. It taught me to use my experience for something greater than myself."
"I think that's the gift I keep to myself. We've actually been getting a lot of gifts and somehow, I told Alex maybe that's Andy sending us these gifts, too," Alessandra says with a pensive look and gentle smile. Her dragonfly pendant a reminder of a young and gentle soul, and the promise of hope and happiness for another day well-lived.
—MGP, GMA Integrated News
