'Parang tumaba ka': How to navigate rude personal questions during Christmas

Amid the hustle of preparing Noche Buena menus, shopping for gifts, and hopping from one party to another, we also find ourselves preparing for family reunions.

While the prospect of family reunions is exciting, for some of us, attending these get-togethers bring a sense of dread thanks to relatives' questions on our love lives, careers, and weight.

“Kailan ka mag-aasawa?” “Bakit parang tumataba ka?” “Hindi ka pa ba mag-aanak?” These are just some of the questions we often hear during get-togethers.

According to Jocelyn del Mundo, a behavioral sciences professor from UP Manila, we have to understand who the Filipinos are. This includes their traits, characteristics, cultural practices, lived patterns of behavior, and many more.

We are known for our values such as "pakikisama," "pakikiisa," "pakikiramay," and "pakikipagkapwa." Our nature is characterized by hospitality, the trait of "Bayanihan," and many more.

“All these contribute to what we call concern and care for others and so therefore, questions that are deemed pleasant and can open up conversations are normally too personal, common questions usually refer to the individual,” added Del Mundo.

But Albert Go, a psychologist from the Ateneo de Manila University, says it really depends on family dynamics.

“I’m not saying it’s right, but there are certain family dynamics that seem to normalize asking questions that may be deemed offensive by others,” he explained.

“Others may just be too curious that they take the risk by asking too personal questions. As individuals, we have this need to be in the know, most especially with regard to the lives of the people relevant to us. And since Christmas happens just once a year, you tend to want to be filled in as much as possible,” Go added.

Since Christmas is a time to reconnect with our families and loved ones, it has become an opportunity not only to reminisce about the past but also to stay updated about their lives.

How can we best respond to personal and “sometimes rude” questions about our personal lives during reunions and get-togethers?

“These types of behavior are normalized in some families because it’s not called out. Filipinos hate confrontations. We try to avoid as much as we can doing things that might aggravate the situation,” the psychologist explained.

Go shares strategies to maintain composure when facing such instances:

1. Understand social cues

Let’s be honest, our instant reaction would be to feel offended and annoyed especially when the topic turns to our weight, childbirth, and when we’re planning to get married.

To avoid getting stressed – assess the situation first.

“Were things said to intentionally offend or was it said in a teasing manner? Was it said to be a conversation-started or was there genuine concern? You can tell these from the tone of voice, facial expressions, and physical gestures,” Go said.

Having an idea where the person is coming from can help guide your actions. If it looks like your Tita is genuinely interested in your life, perhaps you don't need to go ballistic on her.

Make her laugh and say you’re happily navigating life’s maze, give updates about work, and tell her you enjoy going out with your friends and discovering new hobbies. She'll surely appreciate knowing what keeps you busy these days.

If she sounds a little too nosy and too pushy, then...  

2. Talk to the person in private

Instead of confronting the person in front of others, choose the right time and place to express your discomfort.

Calling out the person in front of your other relatives may cause you to be called sensitive or killjoy. It’s also difficult to stay polite when the atmosphere is hostile.

“Wait for the proper place and time if you don’t want to be too emotional. Say why you felt that way about what was asked or said. Express your discomfort. Most people feel remorse when the aggrieved person show emotional vulnerability,” shared Go.

Opening up and being honest with how you feel may not be received well but remember that you’re doing it for you.

“Some might be defensive and invalidate what you feel. You might even be gaslighted. Expressing yourself is primarily for you, so you can sleep well knowing that you told the person what you felt,” he added.

It’s also best to remember that by not talking to the person may also cause you to hold grudges and contempt so it’s best to have a conversation before you call it a night.

3. Be emotionally independent and have high self-regard

Recognize that you can't control what others say, but you can control how you respond. Focus on the words you say to yourself and prioritize your emotional well-being.

Did your Tito say you gained weight? Rib him and say you're doing really well in your career and can spend better on food.

4. Focus on the good things

Despite the challenges, try to focus on the positive aspects of the holiday season. Let go of the things you can't control and deal with the negativity if and when it arises.

Go said that “it’s ironic that what should be the happiest season of the year is also the one that can be most stressful. We can’t stop things from happening. Let go. Focus more on the good things and deal with the bad when it happens.”

At the end of the day, you can always be the bigger person. When asked about your weight, you can always tell them that food brings you joy. For those who can’t wait to see you walk down the aisle, tell them that you haven’t found Mr. or Ms. Right yet.

While you can't control others' actions, you can maintain control over your responses. As the famous meme goes, "smile, it makes people wonder." Respond with a smile, stay true to yourself, and navigate the holiday season with grace and resilience.

—LA, GMA Integrated News