The 10 commandments for parents

Meg is an only child. Her parents love her dearly and provide for all her needs. In fact, they give her everything she asks for, pamper her, and never let her do any dirty work. She grew up with a nanny at her disposal, and even her parents were always at her beck and call.

 

Today, Meg is a 25-year-old graduate student and junior teacher. She confesses: “My parents loved me very much, but they expressed it by giving me everything I wanted. Now as an adult, I struggle with selfishness.”

 

According to research, children who are overindulged have a distorted sense of entitlement. They learn early on to manipulate their parents to get what they want. But what appears to be parents’ genuine “love” for their children actually does more harm than good. This so-called love may even condemn a spoiled child to live a dysfunctional life as an adult.

 

Raising spoiled brats was only one of the many topics discussed during the two-day seminar conducted by Dr. Thomas Lickona, a developmental psychologist and professor of education at the State University of New York at Cortland. He is a sought-after lecturer on character education and is, in fact, known as the Father of Character Education. His Manila lectures held last Sept. 21 and 22 were organized by PAREF Woodrose School. 

The highlights of the seminar are summarized into this list of 10 commandments for parents.

 

1. Build a character-centered, not an entertainment-centered, family. Make character a priority in your family. The members of a family that focuses on building good character aspire to be the best persons that they can be. On the contrary, entertainment-centered family members seek entertainment, fun and good times. They easily get bored and always feel the need to entertain themselves. Dr. Lickona says, “They don’t have a higher sense of self.” 

 

2. Keep the marriage strong. Research shows that good marriages mean better parenting. Couples need to make time to reconnect with each other on a daily basis. “After the marriage, it is more important for couples to have regular conversations,” says Dr. Lickona. He also emphasized that single parents can still be effective parents, saying that “it is more difficult, but it can be done.” 

 

3. Avoid spoiling children by giving them meaningful chores. It is very easy to spoil a child. But the age-old practice of giving them age-appropriate work is very effective in making sure they grow up responsible. This becomes part of their character and allows them to feel pride in themselves. “Children need to feel privileged to be able to contribute to the family,” he says.

 

4. View children as adults in the making. Dr. Lickona challenges parents to take on a long-term perspective when looking at their children’s character and habits. “If they cannot pick up after themselves now, what would it look like when they’re adults?” Dr. Lickona asks. Parents need to correct bad habits early because it will become more difficult, if not impossible, to correct these when the children grow up.

5. Encourage children to have goals. According to a study done among gifted teenagers, those who learned to set goals reached a higher level of success over those who did not. Parents need to ask their children questions like, “What's the goal you’re working on this month?” or “How are you going to carry out your goal?” 

 

6. Make time for your children. Couples need to share the responsibilities of family life with each other. Even if parents have tremendous responsibilities at work, they need to be intentional about setting aside time for the kids. Dr. Lickona believes that there is always time for important things and encourages parents to sacrifice personal leisure, like TV watching, once in a while in favor of time with the children. 

 

7. Teach your children to have a relationship with God. Religion is an important backup for parents. Children must understand that they need to be accountable not only to their parents, but also to God. “They need to realize that there is a higher authority, that when they are in trouble, they can go to God,” Dr. Lickona shares.

 

8. Give children opportunities to practice the 10 essential virtues of wisdom, respect, justice, self-control, love, positive attitude, hard work, integrity, gratitude, and humility. Conversation and reasoning can only do so much to promote understanding and eventually develop character. Virtues are created through constant practice. The character of a person is molded by what he or she repeatedly does. 

 

9. Cultivate discipline. Parents must hold their children accountable for their actions at all times. Children need to know what the house rules are and what is expected of them. Parents must simply lay it out and stick to it, no matter what. When children commit mistakes, teach them to apologize AND know what they are apologizing for. “Restitution is important—if you do something wrong, you need to do something right to restore the balance,” Dr. Lickona explains.

 

10. Know that you don’t need to be a perfect parent. “You just need to try,” says Dr. Lickona. Even if you have done all the right things, children will still make mistakes because they, too, are people with weaknesses. “Being a parent is the hardest but the most important work in the world,” he affirms. “But never give up–we’ve got God on our side.” –KG, GMA News