On the year-end 'essay writing contest,' forgetting, and welcoming the new year

We are down to the last trickle of 2018 and it is the time of year when we are bombarded by the pressure of Christmas and the potential of 2019.

It is also the time of year when everyone crawls out of the social media woodwork, for their respective Christmas family pictures, flat lays of their Noche Buenas, and everybody’s favorite, the year-end status reports.

These posts have evolved into what everyone dubs the “essay writing contest.” Do I like it? I love it.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I lap up every single word, even if I barely know the person. I am a fiend for wanting to know what others want to change, maintain and acquire. I’m in on it too, especially when I have beautiful lines to share.

My favorite from a few years back was “I will bleed for better reasons this year,” something I found on Tumblr complete with fancy font and art, which I posted just as the clock hit midnight. Very dramatic and, at the time, completely up my alley.

As I got older, my posts took on a more reasonable tone and like everybody else, I did the wishes status post, the gratitude status post and the “let it flow” status post. What shall this year’s status post be?

I’m a big fan of forgetting, deleting and throwing things away (though I still have a lot of clutter). My favorite movie is "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" because, complications aside, wouldn’t it be a great option to have things erased from our memory?

Some of them are just so unnecessary! I know memories have lessons and reasons behind it but you have to admit, there are blips that don’t need to be there and some days, I want them gone.

And so it comes as a surprise that the best thing about my 2018 is that I want to commit most of it to memory, both the good and bad parts. This is a big step for me.

At the end of 2017, I posted a quote from Catcher in the Rye about how nice it is when somebody gets excited. I vowed to give myself things to be excited about for 2018 because, and I quote, “it’s about damn time.”

I got right to it and in January, I booked an August trip to Bali with my best friend and soon after, an October trip to Osaka with my boyfriend. I haven’t been to both places so we made it happen.

In February, my office mate Nina signed us up for the office talent show and I was nervous because she’s a professional singer and I don’t sing sober. Two days before the show, Nina lost her voice but she powered through and we laughed our way through Dua Lipa’s “New Rules.”

What I didn’t laugh through was April, when I was in and out of the ER for what I thought was hyperacidity but turned out to be gall stones. Not fun. At one point, I had an allergic reaction to something and I went to the ER with my face, legs and back covered in hives. It was clear that my gall bladder had to go.

Through the ER trips, the steroids and the surgical procedure (my very first), I remembered two things very vividly: how good instant noodles and KFC tasted post-surgery, and how my boyfriend Ton took such good care of me. 

In September, my dad’s only sister succumbed to a rare and very aggressive form of cancer. It broke everyone’s heart. She spent most of her life caring for her family and supporting her brothers’ careers until she found love at 50 years old. I remember crying at her wedding because it was such a testament of God’s perfect timing.

Six glorious years later, we lost her. I remember the hushed voices at the hospital, the prayers and the clasped hands. I remember the tears, the speeches and not knowing how to explain grief to my nieces and nephews. I remember my brother singing Sugarfree’s “Burnout” and the line “O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin." 

What I remembered most, however, was the newfound closeness I found with my cousins. I am the eldest granddaughter on my dad’s side of the family and though I’ve always kept to myself, I suddenly felt what it meant to be an ate. I worried about the younger members of the family. I worried about my dad who has always been our rock.

It was a painful method of learning new ways to love, understand and empathize but we all got the message.

Photo by Cristian Escobar on Unsplash

I am looking forward to 2019. I signed up for life coaching sessions and I am excited to discover parts of myself that I can develop to be a better member of my family, workforce and society. I want to be healthier and to make long-term decisions. I want to learn to make lasagna because it seems so easy and I only use my two-year old oven to keep pots and pans. I want to read and write more.

It’s overwhelming but there are so many things I want to do and learn and become and there’s nothing like the end of the year to motivate a person. Maybe I’ll get to keep some of my resolutions. Maybe I’ll get to keep them all — won’t that be a thrill?

I still don’t know what my entry to this year’s essay writing contest will be yet but since I am now on the logical side of 30, I’d like to think that I have learned to thank and accept life for the most part. I will enter the year with a bigger heart and grateful beyond belief. — LA, GMA News