Whatever this review says, you'll watch 'Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker' anyway

Note: This review references events in "The Rise of Skywalker" as ambiguously as possible, in order to effectively illustrate the writer's points. However, some may consider said references as spoilers. Be warned.

Midway through the credits at our screening of "Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker," my girlfriend—who has seen all the ‘Star Wars’ films only because I asked her to watch them with me, and isn’t updated on all the drama involved in the controversial new trilogy—looked at me and started to speak. I was sort of anticipating this; after all, it’s perfectly normal to want to discuss the merits and missteps of a film right after seeing it, or to at least get opinions from other people to help you process your feelings about what you just saw.

What I wasn’t anticipating—and what subsequently brought a smile to my face—was her question: “When they were making these new movies, did they really have a big ‘master plan’ to begin with?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, partly because of the delivery of the question, and partly because I felt validated. Hearing this from someone who isn’t emotionally invested in the franchise meant a lot to me, because it pretty much confirms that I’m not being a toxic hater who should just “shut up and enjoy things” when I say that "The Rise of Skywalker" is a hot mess. And trust me, I mean that in the most constructive, unbiased way possible.

The ninth episode in the main ‘Star Wars’ film series, "The Rise of Skywalker" features J.J. Abrams' return to the directorial seat, taking the reins back from Rian Johnson, the chief architect of the highly divisive previous installment "The Last Jedi." "The Rise of Skywalker" has the unenviable two-pronged mission of concluding a story spanning 42 years (not the "Star Wars" films as a whole, oh no—we're definitely getting more) and correcting the course that the "The Last Jedi" so brazenly deviated from. Unfortunately, "The Rise of Skywalker" approaches the latter task with all the finesse and subtlety of a raging rancor.

In multiple instances throughout "The Rise of Skywalker," characters contradict "The Last Jedi," sometimes even verbally, with almost callous, cold-hearted candor. Did I say your parents were nobodies? I didn't lie, but that's just based on a technicality. Oh, did I decide to live alone and stop being a danger to everyone else? Well, I was wrong, whoopsie. Oh, we hinted at the end of "The Last Jedi" that more people across the galaxy can use the Force now? Nope, we're back to certain bloodlines being special Force-sensitive snowflakes. The list goes on. This isn't a clever subversion of expectations; it's a ham-fisted attempt at zigging where "The Last Jedi" zagged, which was in itself an attempt to zag where "The Force Awakens" zigged.

To give the late (and dearly missed) Carrie Fisher's General Leia a larger role in "The Rise of Skywalker," Abrams used leftover footage and lines of the actress from "The Force Awakens." While the decision to honor her memory by not resorting to CGI is admirable, this also Forced (pun intended) the filmmakers to write parts of the script around Fisher’s sound clips, to the detriment of the handful of scenes she appeared in. Leia’s lines almost always sound odd: Either her replies don’t completely make sense, or her conversation partners say strange, stilted sentences to provide an opening for Leia’s awkward answers. In one scene, one character gets mad at another for delivering bad news in a negative way (wait, what?), prompting Leia to ask the messenger to sound more optimistic. In another, Leia makes a baffling comment about underestimating droids, which is referenced in a later action scene to make it feel like Leia’s line was part of the set-up.

Sadly, the problematic dialogue is merely indicative of larger problems with the script as a whole. Characters react unnaturally and illogically to various situations, and plot threads are dangled and dropped like prisoners over a sarlacc pit. There’s also a lot of telling instead of showing going on, as if the writers had no idea how to move the story forward without resorting to chunks of exposition, MacGuffin-chasing missions, or having characters say baffling lines or make frustratingly counterintuitive decisions.

The biggest problem of all lies in the film’s inability to set clear limits on what Force users—whether living or dead—can or can’t do. Without going into full spoiler territory, if even just half of the things Force users did in "The Rise of Skywalker" were possible in the earlier installments, there probably wouldn’t be much of a story to tell throughout all nine films.

That’s not to say, however, that "The Rise of Skywalker" is completely terrible. For starters, the entire film is peppered with references and throwbacks to previous trilogies. Sharp viewers or longtime fans of the franchise will surely enjoy all of the film’s little winks at them. If that’s the kind of thing you were expecting from the concluding chapter of the Skywalker saga, then you’re bound to love this one.

It also managed to give all of its important characters some form of closure (though your mileage may vary insofar as whether or not they deserved what they got). It’s clear that Abrams and company did their best to make everyone happy. Regardless of how you feel about "The Last Jedi" or even "Star Wars" as a whole, you’ll definitely find something to like here.

Basically, "The Rise of Skywalker" is a badly written love letter, fueled with the sincerest of intentions but hampered by a lack of conviction. It's two and a half hours of frantic, feverish, and occasionally directionless multitasking. And as a result, my feelings aren’t quite sure where to go, either. I didn’t like it, and I didn’t hate it. To me, "The Rise of Skywalker" sort of just… exists. It’s just a thing that’s there, another mega-blockbuster that people will watch regardless of quality. It will make all of the money, and that really shouldn’t surprise anyone. I don’t think it’s quite the send-off that the Skywalkers deserved, though.

If this is supposed to be the grand conclusion to an epic that spawned generations of fans, then I think it choked on its aspirations.

—JCB, GMA News