A psychologist’s 5 tips for parents of gay kids

“Family acceptance is the  key.”  This is what psychologist Joanna Herrera told parents of gay children when she was interviewed recently for the GMA News and Public Affairs’ weekly news magazine show “Kapuso Mo, Jessica Soho.”

In the  interview, Herrera said that rejection, even if well-intentioned, can inflict significant emotional damage on a child who hasn’t yet completely embraced his or her sexuality. She said that forcing a gay child to change his or her sexual preference will only make them feel more alone.

“Kapuso Mo, Jessica Soho” interviewed Norman, the father of an eight-year-old boy named John-john who began showing signs of possible homosexuality from the age of three. Norman says that his son likes hanging out with girls and their gay relatives, playing with dolls, and styling his hair.

Although Norman is not a hundred percent certain that his son is gay or if his son will admit to being gay in the future, there is one thing of which he is sure– that he will love and support John-john regardless of the boy’s sexual preference.

“Hindi naman niya kasalanan na maging ganun ‘yung nararamdaman niya diba? Ako naman, ayoko naman siyang lumaki na patago. Mas maganda nang nakikita ko siya na ganun. Pero hindi niya napapabayaan yung sinasabi ko nga, yung pag-aaral nila. Susuportahan ko na lang siya sa ganun,” said Norman.

KMJS also interviewed 18-year-old Jojo, who admitted that he was verbally and physically abused by his family when he started joining gay beauty pageants at the age of nine. More than the bruises and wounds, what hurt Jojo the most were the mean words from his parents and brother. When he finally had the courage to leave his family two years ago, he never looked back. Now on his own, Jojo is determined to prove that there’s dignity and joy in embracing oneself.

How can parents help children like Jojo and John-john understand and embrace their sexual identity? How can they protect their children from the pain of rejection and bigotry?

Herrera offered the following tips for parents:

1. Be open about discussing your child’s sexuality.

Herrera said that discussing sexuality in an open, non-judgmental way can encourage a child to open up to his or her parents.

“Kailangan maging open na pag-usapan ‘yun. Kung napapansin ng magulang na ‘yung emerging sexuality tends to be lesbian, or gay, or bisexual, siguro magandang maging open discussion. Siguro minsan ang problema ng magulang, siguro hindi nila alam kung paano ito pag-usapan. So maybe seeking the help of a counselor who's well educated in LGBT issues para ma-coach rin ‘yung magulang kung papano i-bring up sa anak in a way that's supportive, hindi corrective, kasi hindi tayo naniniwala na misbehavior ang pagiging homosexual. It's an identity.”

2. Help your child find a healthy, mature, and responsible LGBT role model.

Like everyone, it is important for a gay child to have someone to look up to.  Herrera said it’s even better if the child has a role model who has also been through the same difficulties–a person with whom the child can easily identify.

“Marami siguro tayong kakilalang mga gays, lesbians, bisexuals who live healthy lives, who are productive members of our society, who have fully accepted and embraced their sexual identities and who has wisdom. Ano ba ‘yung naging karanasan nila? Siguro magandang mai-connect ‘yung bata na nag-i-struggle with their sexual identity sa isang healthy, mature individual na nakaranas din nung experience, ‘yung struggle.”

3. Learn more about the LGBT community.

Herrera encourages parents to educate themselves about the LGBT community. She also said that it’s also helpful to seek counselling, if available.

“Dapat ‘yung communication to the child has to be, ‘Kung anuman ‘yung emerging identity mo, I will support you. It might be a struggle for me, pero we will journey in that together.’ So siguro yung message na ‘We will journey in this together and I will do my best to also educate myself in this process.’ Education, pag-uunawa, pagmamahal. Let's draw upon the wisdom of our LGBT community. Sana nga mas maging accessible din yung ganitong klaseng parent education para sa mga LGBT parents.”

4. Never tease your child.

For most gay children who have not completely accepted who they are, the word ‘bading’ has a negative connotation. So Herrera encourages parents to avoid labelling their children.

“Within the LGBT community, maaari silang magtawagan na, ‘Oy, bading!’ Pero ang assumption noon, may sense of acceptance and camaraderie within the community. Ibang-iba ‘yun. Sa mga bata, siguro more often than not ... hurtful ‘yung message na ‘yun because of the tone. Kasi ‘yung tone is, ‘Bakit ka ganyan?’ ... So parang kung ang underlying tone is, ‘That's an abnormality.’ Then that's hurtful, it's hurtful and it's not healthy.”

5. Accept your child and do not view homosexuality is an abnormality.

When the rest of the world is judging him and calling him names, a child will draw strength from the love and support of his parents.

“The keyword is acceptance talaga. We know na sa lahat naman ng mga magulang, whatever they do for their kids, it's always coming from a sense of love, wanting to protect them, wanting to care for them. But unfortunately pagka nare-reject ang bata dun sa nagiging emerging sexual identity nila … it results in more problems, more mental health problems, more depression, more anxiety, more health issues. So kung iisipin natin ang best interest of the child, dapat may acceptance and support for the emerging sexuality.” –Mia Enriquez/PF, GMA News

Watch "Kapuso Mo, Jessica Soho" every Sunday, 7:30 PM on GMA-7