Anime Review: Pretty girls barely keep ‘Kantai Collection’ afloat

Like it or not, we are living in the Age of Moe – when anything can be given a cute anthropomorphic makeover, including animals, internet browsers, and even battleships.

 

Yes, battleships.

 

The web browser game, “Kantai Collection,” transforms historical Japanese naval vessels into pretty girls. Call it insane, exploitative, whatever you will – but “KanColle,” as it’s sometimes known, has amassed a following of more than two million players since its 2013 launch. Its success has spawned countless merchandise including books, cards, tabletop RPGs, toys, and more.

 

And now comes the requisite anime adaptation of “Kantai Collection.” The 12-episode show takes a nonsensical premise and from it attempts to weave a story of valor and determination. And it’s real pleasant to look at, to boot. But is this bizarre union between short skirts and naval warfare enough to keep the proverbial ship afloat? Or does it sink faster than a block of lead?

 

When cute girls go to war

 

The seas are no longer safe. Emerging from the depths are monsters called Abyssals, who have conquered the world’s oceans through a combination of savagery and superior firepower.

 

The last line of defense against these invaders? An armada of girls who possess the souls of Japanese warships. When summoned to battle, these fleet girls equip battle armor and weaponry resembling ship parts, from cannons to the flight decks of aircraft carriers.

 

As the fleet’s freshest recruit, Fubuki is a fish out of water among her more experienced peers. And indeed, her first foray against the enemy proves disastrous, necessitating her rescue by the esteemed warrior, Akagi. But our heroine’s spirit is not so easily crushed. Driven by a strong sense of duty, and the hope of one day winning the respect of Akagi, Fubuki throws herself into the rigors of combat training.

 

Flimsy whimsy

 

Despite the storied past of the real ships on which these girls are based, the “KanColle” franchise doesn’t provide any extensive mythology or even a central unifying story. The only thing we get is its bare bones “fleet girls vs. Abyssals” concept – which can be either good or bad. Good, because the studio can exercise the freedom to develop its own grand, overarching epic of global conflict and heroic sacrifice.

 

Bad, because the studio has little to work with, possibly resulting in a flimsy tale cobbled together from the medium’s most atrocious tropes. Regrettably, this is the very sin that the anime commits.

 

Events unfold from Fubuki’s perspective. This wide-eyed ingénue personifies the loser rookie who can’t do anything right. To its credit, the anime doesn’t drag this tired trope out for too long. Fubuki’s unwavering tenacity to become stronger is admirable, even inspiring, and in time we find ourselves rooting for her.

 

Unfortunately, “KanColle” doesn’t do much else with Fubuki. Soon after she becomes a “proper” fleet girl, her personal growth plateaus. She remains sickeningly nice to everybody, performs adequately in skirmishes, and only occasionally does something mildly surprising. Though likeable, she gets boring, fast.

 

 

The other characters fare far worse.

 

Despite the fact that the anime only focuses on a fraction of “KanColle’s” 200-plus characters (all of whom are female, duh!), it’s still a challenge to keep track of every new girl introduced per episode. Most look very much alike down to their uniforms, but you eventually learn to spot differences in their idiosyncrasies, not to mention their cup sizes.

 

For example, Yudachi tends to insert the nonsense word, “poi” into all her sentences, which grows infuriating after only a couple of episodes. There’s the token ADHD girl, Shimakaze, who also happens to be wearing the tiniest microskirt in all of fiction. Then we have some forgettable nitwit whose shtick is to brag about what an awesome pop idol she is.

 

Some supporting characters are more interesting than others. None of them are well developed.

 

Some effort was made to create a semblance of drama in the earlier episodes, but this is quickly buried under a mountain of pointless filler material. Sometimes, we’re presented with scenes that can, potentially, be emotionally touching. Sadly, when the lines are uttered by girls who can only communicate in high-pitched squeaks, these moments lose much of their poignancy.

 

Perhaps one of “KanColle’s” better aspects is its humor. There are a couple of laugh-out-loud moments, and several that will elicit a chuckle or two. It’s hardly the wittiest of comedies, however, and some jokes simply fall flat.

 

 

Questions, questions

 

One of the most annoying things about “KanColle” is how it leaves so much of the franchise’s major conceits unexplained.

 

How and why do these girls have the souls of warships? Why do they refer to themselves like they’re machines (saying they’re “damaged” instead of “hurt,” “being repaired” instead of “healing”), when clearly, they’re not? And where the heck are all the men? The creepily invisible admiral doesn’t count!

 

As for the Abyssals, it’s never demonstrated why exactly they’re such a huge threat. Yes, we’re told they’ve driven humanity from the seas, but that means nothing if we don’t see any actual evidence of the adverse effects such a development would’ve caused. It almost seems like all they want is to be left alone to brood and look menacing in peace. Maybe we’ve got it all wrong, and the Abyssals are merely defending their turf from the villainous fleet girls who insist on trespassing where they don’t belong – because that’s what it certainly looks like.

 

Secondly, these Abyssals are pushovers. You’ll be hard put to take them seriously after watching them getting trounced for the umpteenth time by skinny girls who look barely old enough to see “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

 

 

Eye candy

 

On the bright side, “KanColle” looks absolutely gorgeous, and sounds terrific, too. From the booming cannonade to the whir of fighter planes, the battle scenes capture the fury of naval warfare.

 

Over time, however, you’ll be able to tell the initially indistinguishable 2D and 3D visuals apart with considerable accuracy. When the 3D battle scenes slow down, the character models’ broken outlines and jagged edges become more noticeable, not to mention the drop in frame rate causes everyone’s movements to stutter. This transition between fluid 2D and not-so-fluid 3D animation can be quite jarring.

 

The oddball character designs range from the generic to the fantastic. There’s nothing more badass than a lovely lady sporting a battery of giant guns (though how her spine is strong enough to support all that weight is anyone’s guess).

 

Bottom feeder

 

When it comes down to it, the “Kantai Collection” anime is 100% fan service. You’ll likely appreciate it if you’re dedicated to the game, and have already emotionally bonded with its playable characters. Otherwise, everything this show offers will just fly over your head.

 

Sure, the battles are exciting, the writing can be humorous, and the girls are easy on the eyes. But moe can only get you so far, the witless jokes outnumber the clever ones, and conflict without heart is empty. With an insipid plot that doesn’t go anywhere, the lack of a satisfying obstacle for the fleet girls to surmount, and abysmally developed one-dimensional characters, one can’t help but think that “KanColle” belongs at the bottom of the ocean. — TJD, GMA News