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The worst opening lines I've encountered on Tinder
[Ed's note: #TinderTales is a weekly column that attempts to look at online dating. This week's tale has our Tinderella recounting all the strange, ugly, but sometimes amusing opening lines she's experienced on Tinder. Have a story to share? Email us at submissions@gmanews.tv]
Men and women put effort into setting up their profiles on Tinder — that’s how matches are made. A match means you're one step closer to finding the love, or the shag, of your life.
But the fun only really begins when the first message is sent.
There are instances however when everything is sabotaged by horrendous opening lines. They’re comparable to pickup lines you hear in bars. They both want you to scramble away as far as possible.
1. From the eager beavers
Mari: “Hi, pleased to have matched on here. Your pics and the vibes about you appeals to me. I am originally from south India but settled and living in England for the last 15 years. I work for myself and my business can be operated from anywhere in the world. As my work is location independent, I’m looking to spend times in other parts of the world, wherever the universe takes me… Would you like to chat and connect further? Are you on whatsapp? (smile and flower emoji)”
My thought: Dude, relax. This isn’t speed dating!
They’re eager to get to get the ball rollin, as though they're expecting the tinder to turn into a huge bonfire as soon as possible. My guess is they’re tired of small talk and of wasting time. And if they let it out in one text, it will save everyone time and effort in the long run. But the desperation? It's off-putting.
2. From the ones who need to brush up on spelling and grammar
Marlon: “Hi. Ganda u naman”
My thought: No way powz.
Amit: “Hey. How’s you?”
My thought: Ummm I’m ok. But you can’t form a correct sentence and I’m turned off now.
Okay, I know this is completely my own bias, and I’m sure there are ladies who don’t care about these things, but a tip to men: Women appreciate good grammar. We don’t need you to use huge, sophisticated words. We just need you to have good subject-verb agreement. Look: Even Taglish is better than broken English. Or better yet: Mag-Pilipino ka na lang. Walang mali duon.
3. From the hungry wolves
Allan: Hi cutie. How would you like to see my dick? It’s huge.
Me:
My thought: He must be small.
Let’s be honest here: Tinder can and will get us laid. That’s how most if not all Tinderellas and Tinderellos approach the app. But please, some diskarte naman. Some of us ladies — most of us, if I may — prefer to be wined and dined and go on a few dates before hitting the sack with you. We appreciate the no nonsense straightforward manner the app allows all of us, but please. Don’t be a douche.
4. From foreigners who prove to that language barriers really exist
Etienne: Oulala! (gives his phone number) We can meet when we find common free time!
My thought: The French don’t do small talk anymore? Is this how Tinder operates in Paris? Ah, next please. I don’t have time for this. I’m on vacation!
Ram: Hey! We are at Botafumero. Visiting from NYC.
My thought: So? And who is we? Send my regards to NYC, boy. (Maybe I should reply, it sounds like they are out to party and I could make some random friends!)
Especially when you’re on Tinder Plus, you’ll feel how the barrier — and the struggle — are real. When conversing with people from different parts of the world, expect a few that will throw you off.
5. From the intoxicated and inebriated ones
Lucas: “You’re too tall for me but I stand on my thick wallet and salute you for your awesome profile!”
My thought: Short man syndrome, for sure. All the best to you!
Sean: I want you to sit on my face.
My thought: What is he on?!
“Can you believe this guy?!” is how I would start telling the story to my girlfriends. They seem to be orbiting around a different sun, or perhaps belong to an entirely different universe and randomly fell on earth like Superman. Except Superman is unassuming and makes our hearts melt.
6. From the dry and hilarious
Dirk: Hi. We are a match.
My thought: Really? Thanks for pointing that out to me. Bye.
That’s what they are. No game. No points. They’re probably good at other things, but clearly opening lines is not one of them; and how unfortunate that they must go thru the messaging phase in order to advance to the next level.
I think of messaging as playing tennis. When you send the ball to court, it's best to give your opponent an opportunity to send it back lest the rally dies.
Maybe these opening lines can actually turn the Tinder into a fire? Perhaps they have already, only with others and not with me. Maybe the opening lines that don’t work on me have worked on others. I don’t know; I only have my experience to speak from.
But if there's anything I've learned from this game of swipe, the key is to keep playing, in the hopes that we will be able to improve our game — and yes, maybe find the love of my life.
When that day comes that I meet my forever, or I’ve gotten tired of the Tinder game, or both, at least I can tell myself I wasn’t afraid to try and explore and I had a good time doing it! — LA, GMA News
