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Beware: The 'lost boys' on Tinder
[Ed's note: #TinderTales is a weekly column that attempts to look at online dating. This week, our Tinderella tells us how she realized she might have as many issues as the boys she matched with on the app. Have a story to share? Email us at submissions@gmanews.tv]
I wouldn’t call them douches or pricks, but it’s obvious: they been scarred from past experiences. On Tinder, there are too many men with too much on their plate still playing the dating game. Maybe they want to get some form of affection? Maybe they need a distraction? I don’t know. They’re not exactly damaged — that would be too harsh; perhaps ‘not ready for something serious’ would be the kinder thing to say.
There are the divorced men, who are good at anticipating what women want and need because they’ve had practice. But because they’ve been down the marriage road, they’re only willing to go down the road to a certain point with me just until the first three blocks I’d wager.
Within the first hour of my first date with Vincenzo, sparks flew all over the place. He was a businessman and had sandy brown hair that he kept brushing away with his hands, letting his green eyes pierce through me. He had good taste in wine that helped the spontaneous and honest conversation.
This was his answer to my question on whether he wants to get married and have children again: “Not really, I’ve been through that already, I just want to enjoy life with someone I can be with. My sons are already in their teens, I don’t think I have the energy to take care of babies again”.
In the next three months, I was showered with romantic attention until he got busy and disappeared. Looking back, it became obvious that our relationship was simply a filler until life got busy and he disappeared.
Tinder has its fair share of men in between jobs, who are terrible to pin your hopes against because Steve Harvey is right: men are driven by who they are, what they do and what they make. As he’s chasing who he is, what he does, and how much he makes, how can he pay full attention to other things like a relationship?
Ramon and I had the chemistry. We went on several dates and were very much like-minded; I was surprised at how well we got along.
He soon invited me to visit him in London. “Stay with me and take advantage” he said. “I can show you around now that I’m not working.”
I thought it was a splendid idea and a bit of a grand gesture, until: “But, just so we are clear, I don’t want a relationship right now”.
He went on to say that looking for his next job was his main priority and he just wants fun at the moment. As if once was not enough, he said this to me about three times that evening in between mentioning how he had a nice big bed that we could spent a lot of time in.
He tindered his way through Southeast Asia for a few weeks before returning to London. I did not take his invitation — I knew what I wanted and was very well aware that there is no such thing as a free lunch! Today, he still shuffles between Southeast Asia and Europe and we remain friends.
But perhaps the most complicated among the lost boys are the ones who have been cheated on in the past. It’s almost like walking on eggshells around them. When they tell me they were cheated on, that’s my cue. It’s almost like I need to be careful with them the way I am careful with dogs until they get their anti-rabies shots.
And because boys were raised to hold in and hide emotions, I find myself boggled at how they can behave so tenderly one moment and then push me away the next.
Thomas and I did lunch on our first date. After six hours, I knew I found someone special. By the third date, we were watching movies on his couch and making out like crazy.
The chasing continued with good morning texts every single day until one evening when I got a message from him. “I just felt we would go to bed soon and felt it would be unfair to you without leveling with you first” he said. He wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
WTF?! I wasn’t even thinking that far and he pushed me away?!
It took me by surprise, like how I imagine getting punched in the gut would feel like. I asked him for space. The plot twist had me not wanting to deal with him.
Six months later, I reached out to him. Why? Because apart from wanting to know how he was doing, I also had my own issues to resolve. It wasn’t like I was hoping for anything, I just felt like he preempted something.
We were happy to go out again but neither one of us was ready to be vulnerable. I don’t know why I did it — kill me now, please — but I asked him if we would see each other again. And that’s when he pushed me away a second time: “I don’t know,” was his honest answer.
I know there are a lot of ladies out there who would know that ugly feeling, when you keep trying and trying, hoping that effort will be good enough to save the relationship. I knew it had slim to no chances of working out and yet like many martyr women before me, I went back in again.
In any case, I saw a clearer picture as to why he could not be in a relationship and it left nothing unanswered.
Once bitten, twice shy. I was disarmed and a few layers protecting my heart had peeled off without my knowing. I let it sting longer than it could have stung. And just like any lost boy encounter, there were emotional consequences for me to deal with.
I asked myself, “what am I not getting here?” They may be lost boys, but obviously, I have some lost girl admitting to do.
All in all, I realized two things. First, timing plays a big role in dating — or at least in not getting lost. We could be traveling at different speeds, be crossing from different roads. I could be ready to settle down but if they’re not in that stage yet, we’re likely not to end up in a serious relationship.
Second, even if I know the timing is off, the power to continue or stop is all mine. It has been all mine as early as replying to their first opening lines on tinder.
Conversations, dinner and drinks, kissing, holding hands, getting to bed and continued engagement happens because I allow it. It’s easy to spot their issues and their baggage, it is infinitely more difficult — and painful — to face mine.
I suspect I won’t be ready for anything serious until the right match comes along. Until then, they’re lost, I’m lost and we’re all just wandering on Tinder. — LA, GMA News
