Love advice: Here's how to spot if you're in an unhealthy relationship

We’ve all heard of the “adorable” girlfriend who’s “tinotoyo na naman” and won’t talk to you out of nowhere. And then there's the “sweet” boyfriend who’s so “seloso” and protective, he'd rather his girlfriend not go out in that cute crop top.

But remove the rose-tinted glasses of romance and these traits won't come as innocent and cute.

When you have a special someone who won’t “give you permission” to do things like hang out with your friends or wear a specific type of clothing, then you might be dealing with a person with a controlling behavior.

Controlling behavior 101

In an interview with GMA News Online, relationship coach and romance author Aileen Santos said that a controlling behavior isn’t healthy for any relationship.

People may think it’s just an expression of love or concern, or that they're only being protective, but the underlying meaning to this behavior signifies a lack of trust in the other person. 

Santos explained that when a person gives borders or conditions to his or her partner, it's because they don’t trust trust his or her judgment. And when the controlling behavior persists, the relationship takes on a parent-child dynamic, instead of a boyfriend-girlfriend one.

“You don’t trust your partner’s judgment. What time they’re supposed to come home or what places they're supposed to go to, so it shifts the dynamic. The impact is usually the other partner will feel they’re not trusted,” she explained.

Here, Santos gives a good point: “If you don't trust their judgment, why are you with them? It was their judgment that led them to you.”

She added, “If you don’t trust each other in something as simple as going out, then what more with the really important stuff? So those simple things, if there is no trust and respect, then love dies very very quickly when that happens.”

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Founder of AMD Love Consultants for Families and Couples Maribel Sison Dionisio also explained that this behavior could be a sign of a huge insecurity and low self-esteem with the belief that if they allow their partners to go out, then the partner might find someone better than them.

“If you have low self-worth, you’ll be upset that the person will be talking to other people...but if you feel good enough about yourself, confident and secure in yourself, that you trust your partner, then di mo na kailangan i-monitor,” she added.

The cold shoulder

The cold shoulder treatment — when someone is suddenly "tinotoyo," silent and obviously annoyed but not saying why they're annoyed and refusing to interact with the other — is called stonewalling in psychology, Santos said.

Stonewalling can be for a myriad of reasons but one thing is for sure: It is not good for any relationship. In fact, it becomes harmful for the relationship.

She said, “If you want your relationship to last, you have to learn how to resolve conflict between the two of you. Stonewalling doesn't help in any way, in resolving conflicts because you are just expressing your anger but not really making a move to allow your partner to make it up to you or try to understand why you were hurt in the first place.”

Jealousy 

According to Santos, jealousy can be healthy if you feel it, express it to your partner and have a conversation about it.

Santos added that it’s also healthy if there’s actual reason for the jealousy to occur which all stems from the boundaries we set for ourselves.

She explained that it’s important for couples to know what their boundaries are, both physical and emotional.

“Physical boundaries are kinda easier to identify, like you don't french-kiss all of your friends, right? But when it comes to emotional boundaries, both of you have to define what are the things that you reserve for a friend, what are the things you reserve for a boyfriend or girlfriend, and what are the things you reserve for a spouse.”

She added, “When all these things are clear, you can really avoid jealousy because you are able to identify...this is not something I will be giving away to all of my friends and I think I should only reserve this to my girlfriend or my boyfriend.”

Santos shares a common predicament, even in movies: a girlfriend becoming insecure with her boyfriend's best female friend because boyfriend always runs to the latter instead of the former. 

“It’s not about being possessive," Santos begins. "It’s about knowing what each level of relationship deserves. There are things reserved for our special partner. If we're giving it away to other people, then we need to put a check on that.”

Santos explained that you’ll know if it’s a boundary when (1) it creates a different level of closeness with his/her partner person and (2) when it is taking away from the deeper relationship that you have with your special someone.

She added, “Just imagine if the guy keeps sharing deep emotions down the road, then he is technically robbing from the deeper connection that he could have been having with his wife because he is developing a deeper connection with his female best friend. That’s why it's a boundary.”

Santos, clarified, however, that that doesn’t mean that you have to cut yourself off from the rest of the world, especially if it won’t hurt your relationship to develop friendships with other people.

For Dionisio, it's important for partners to sit down and discuss what's causing their S.O.'s jealousy.  She added, “Strengthen the self-worth of both. Set up the guidelines to assure each other, [discuss] what are the boundaries you'll set with other people.”

Ask yourself: Do you feel free with your S.O.?

It's easy to spot unhealthy behaviors in a relationship. According to Santos, ask yourself: do you feel free enough to be who you are in the relationship? 

“Because if you have to hide things, if you have to hide certain thoughts, not say certain things because the other person will get angry; because when you're walking on eggshells, and can't be yourself, then you know there's something wrong with the dynamic in the relationship,” Santos said.

For more advice, simply contact:

Coach Aileen Santos

AMD Love Consultants

— LA, GMA News